Category Archives: Technique

Basics of Flogging

The Basics of Flogging
How to Flog Someone So They’ll Come Back for More


To the novice flogging may look easy, and actually it’s not that difficult, but it does require concentration and physical exertion along with some practice. However, knowledge of some basic guidelines can greatly enhance the learning curve and enrich the experience for both the “top” and the “bottom”. And a beginner would do well to practice on a wall or pillow, focusing on the intended striking point.

Negotiate Before You Start

Before any flogging, the participants should negotiate what is desired and what isn’t, along with what “safe-word” or other indication the “bottom” is to use to slowdown or stop the flogging. Does the “bottom” like stinging or thud sensations? How open is he or she to new experiences? Has this person had much experience with flogging? Novices may think they can take lots of pain, and then be surprised at what a good flogging actually feels like.

In addition, pertinent medical or physical problems should be made known before beginning.

Flogging The Back

The basic area to flog is the upper back on each side of the spine. Try to stay off the spine to prevent injury to the vertebrae and related tissues, and the skinnier the person is the more important this is. Also avoid swinging the tails down the back onto the hips or upper butt, or else this may cause a different kind of pain that is undesirable. Rather than a full swinging motion (this isn’t golf) that carries the tails down the back, stop the flogger immediately after it hits or even pull it backwards in a snapping motion right before it hits. By varying this motion you can control how much of the tails connect with the back; more will cause greater thud while hitting with just the tips will be stingier.


Generally speaking, avoid unintentional ”wrapping,” which is when the tips of the tails wrap around a curved part of the body such as the shoulders, torso, butt or legs. In wrapping the tips accelerate tremendously and the resulting excessive force at the tips almost always causes an undesirable increase in pain. One difficulty in avoiding wrapping is that the tips can fly so fast that you may have trouble seeing them–a person sometimes has to estimate where the tails are hitting, especially in darker environments. In addition, when throwing a flogger people often have a tendency to lunge forward, which can cause wrapping if it’s not compensated for. On rare occasions a bottom may desire wrapping, but then this should be done by mutual agreement and with care to not overdo it.

Other Targets

Other targets: the butt is very inviting, yet because of its smaller size and roundness it requires greater accuracy to avoid excessive wrapping onto the hips or into the especially sensitive “inner” areas; also avoid hitting the tailbone. When flogged well, though, the butt can be very rewarding. The thighs can be flogged but should be done with extra attention to the power in wrapping. Female breasts should be flogged relatively lightly to avoid later medical problems, and this may be more important if they are flogged often; males can usually safely take more in this area. Generally other parts of the body, especially the kidney area, shouldn’t be flogged except maybe with very light, miniature floggers. Stay away from all joints of the legs and arms, and the head and neck should never be flogged.

Also be aware that there is a big difference in flogging someone in the standing position versus lying down.

Warm Up & Timing

Start with softer blows and work up gradually to harder ones–this way the bottom will be able to take more as well as get more out of the session. Similarly, if you have more than one flogger, use the lighter one before going to the heavier one. In addition, varying the pace and alternating heavier blows with softer ones (or using just the tips), can make the difference between a good flogging and a great one.

During a flogging the top also needs to be sensitive to the nuances of how the bottom is handling the experience and when to vary the strokes. And after the bottom has recuperated from the flogging, the top can learn valuable information by obtaining the bottom’s perspective on what it was like.

Thud vs Sting

The top should understand that softer/heavier tails will generally cause thud, while harder or narrower tails will cause more sting–rubber or braided leather tails are usually the most stingy. And these differences are best understood by experiencing them on one’s own skin. A flogger also needs to be thrown fast enough so the tails don’t fly apart and land inaccurately–because of this it’s very difficult to use a heavier flogger in place of a lighter one to achieve the blows that a lighter flogger would deliver. This is why people often have more than one flogger.

Health & Safety

Occasionally during a flogging a small amount of blood may appear on the skin as a result of a blemish being broken open. How blood and other body fluids on a flogger should be dealt with is controversial; disinfectants and leather conditioners can alter the leather and having different floggers for every bottom isn’t practical.

First of all, have band-aids available and apply one as soon as any break in the skin is noticed. If any blood or body secretions have gotten on the tails, they should be wiped with a dry cloth while wearing a glove (there shouldn’t be much!). Then before using the flogger on another person it should be hung to air-dry in a warm, dry place for two weeks–the drying action will kill the AIDS and hepatitis viruses. Some would suggest cleaning the tails with a cloth moistened with a fresh solution of bleach mixed 1 part to 10 parts water and then waiting 10 minutes before using the flogger on someone else. A few may suggest both the bleach solution and then drying for two weeks, but this may be more than is needed. On the other hand, we are talking about AIDS and hepatitis.

The best approach is to avoid getting blood and other body fluids on your floggers. However, the flogging action will tend to wipe blood away and make a tiny skin break difficult to see. Therefore checking a bottom’s skin after a flogging for signs that any blood may have gotten on the flogger would be wise. A few would even say that the same flogger should never be used on more than one person per day, but that is not actually a sufficient length of time to be safe from hepatitis. Others say that the risk of catching AIDS or hepatitis from floggers is very minimal, yet this would be almost impossible to verify with certainty.

The Last Word

Finally though, always remember: If someone is trusting you enough to let you flog them, you owe it to him or her to be sensitive and careful; and secondly, flogging is ultimately supposed to be gratifying to both parties.

Hair Bondage

techniques and tricks
for doing it right 


Incorporating the hair in your bondage is appealing to many and for many different reasons. It dramatically increases the feeling of being restrained, it’s incredibly intimate and personal, it can be painful, humiliating and it often is a very effective way to keep the head still and in position for other things, such as “forced” oral sex.

Binding the hair may not always be easy. The hair easily slips out of every knot you tie, unless you know how to do it right. And not every technique can applied with every type of hair. Long hair is a lot easier to use of course. Short and extremely short hair may be a problem. In other words, you may to to experiment with different techniques a bit before you find the one most suitable for your own situation.

[Pro Tip] If you find the hair still slips out of the rope, try using hair spray first. This will make the hair less slippery and stick to the rope and to itself.

Be considerate with your submissive. If a strand of hair has been tied for any length of time, it may be hard to get it back into the normal style for a day or two – especially if it’s usually worn loose. Hence don’t do this in the event your sub has to go to work or to an important job interview the next morning.
No matter what you see on pictures and in videos, there is a certain risk. Any brisk or unexpected movement may cause someone to pull out their own hair, especially if the strand used is not thick enough. Especially if you and your submissive are inexperienced, make sure you use thick strand or an entire ponytail and never “hang” anyone inexperienced from the hair. This includes forcing someone to stand on their toes tied this way – if they fall, lose their balance or faint they may scalp themself.
Okay, now that we’ve settled that, let’s concentrate on some of the different techniques. We’ll describe several techniques here that everybody can do, without special knot tying techniques or needing special attributes.

Technique 1 – Japanese Braiding 

Japanese bondage masters prefer special rice rope for this, but hemp will do just as well because it’s a bit rough. This is a typical long hair technique and the main advantage is that it can be kept in for hours or days if you like and that – once tied correctly – you can use it for a variety of different playforms. If you’re planning to use it in different forms (this goes for all forms of hair bondage) observe the pulling direction. For example, if the direction of the bondage is downward, never use it for an upward position later without changing it, since that will cause the full force to be applied on only a part of the strand which may cause your submissive to pull parts of their hair out themselves. The safest way is to put the hair in a loose ponytail at the back center of the head first.

Now what you do is you take three or four thin ropes and use them together as one rope. Lay the middle of your rope bundle behind the ponytail and wrap both ends around the tail (as TIGHT as you can) two or three times, about one third of the length of the ponytail from the head. Next divide both the rope bundle and the hair in three strands and braid them again TIGHTLY (really try doing this as tight as you can) and go down as far as you can. When done, separate the rope from the hair and tie the rope strings together with a series of reef knots (also called square knots), tight again. You can now either use the remainder of the rope bundle (if long enough) to tie it to something else or tie another rope to the end of the braided bundle to use in the rest of your bondage.

Technique 2 – The Knot Tube

This technique again is only suitable for long hair. Best use hemp rope again, about the thickness of a pencil. Seperate a strand of hair (or use an entire ponytail) and work from the middle of the rope. Wrap it around the strand, close to the head once and make a half reef knot. Now lay the strand of hair over the knot and make another half reef knot. Wrap the rope around the strand again and repeat the procedure. Repeat this over and over again. Mind you, this takes quite a while to complete and an equally long time or more to untie again so this is not something to do in the event you only have a little time. Make sure to make your wraps and knots TIGHT and be aware that a small strand or slick hair may easily slip out, despite the number of knots. Using hair spray may be a good idea in such cases.

[Pro Tip] If you want to be extra “cruel” make the strand of hair wet before tying it this way. Especially if the hair remains tied like this for a couple of hours and dries this will cause a great “semi-permanent wave” that may last one or two days, causing a similar effect bruises after a whipping or a caning has. In other words, they’ll have something visible to remind them of the bondage for a longer period of time.

Technique 3 – The Ring

The final technique we’d like to discuss here is the use of a ring. This technique is probably your best best if your submissive’s hair is not really long and also is the simplest one if you’re not an experienced bondage master.

You can use any type of ring. Take a strand of hair, lead it through the ring and fold it around it. Make sure the part between the head and the ring is one-third of the hair and the part that’s folded back is two-thirds. Now either use thin packing rope or fishing line and wrap this around the folded strand, starting from the ring and working towards the head. When finished, fold the remaining one-third upward and repeat the wrapping, this time upwards towards the ring and finally tie the rope. Make sure your wrapping is a tight as possible. When done correctly it is next to impossible that the hair will slip out of the rope and the ring of course can be used as a connection point for any other bondage. The possibilities are endless: from tying the submissive’s hands behind their head to fastening the ring to something else, like a wall hook or whatever other object. The ring of course also allows for the use of quick snap hooks, so this technique is very suitable for use in combination with other things, like leather of steel handcuffs, tackles and similar gear. This too can be left in almost endlessly, provided the strand used is not too thin (if it is it’s likely the tension eventually will become too much.

[Pro Tip] Tie one of these rings in the hair, one on each side of the head, and the possibilities are endless, especially for humiliating positions like cuffing the hands to the sides of the head (and giving someone all sorts of tasks to perform, like serving dinner or pouring a drink – which will not only be difficult and thus humiliating, but will also automatically force them to pull their own hair which also makes a great form of “self punishment”) or to restrain someone’s head in a position for forced oral sex.

Clothespins, Clips and Clamps

By STella

I want to stress a few dangers of playing with clothespins and clamps.

First, used on the scrotum and labia, or any where else for that matter, but especially there, make sure you are not getting any of the delicate structures in these areas actually IN the clamp. This can cause a lot more than you are bargaining for. Both in pain and nerve or tissue damage.

Secondly, don’t leave these on too long. The whole point is that they cut off the circulation. Thus, they hurt more coming off than while they are on. However, if you cut off the circulation for too long, you get tissue damage. This is NOT good. I recommend no longer than twenty minutes maximum, and less than that if you are using strong clips. Thirdly, some tissue was not designed for exceptionally rough treatment like zippers and heavy weights. Please be careful around the genital area on both sexes. It is easily possible to tear the labia and genital tissue in these areas. As always, it’s your decision as to how you play, but emergency rooms are not my idea of enjoyable play spaces.

Wood versus plastic:

Wooden clothespins are a bit kinder and have less tendency to abrade, thus I would suggest starting with them. Plastic clothespins tend to have much smaller ribbed gripping surfaces, and a ‘feel’ much stronger than the equivalent wooden ones. Extremely small plastic clothespins are very nasty indeed, and many may be used in the same area for greater intensity.

Wooden clothespins are available in several qualities, with the older, thicker ones being a bit better IMHO, and the thin ones more likely to splinter or have sharp edges. As one may purchase 50 of these for perhaps $4 American, these rank among least expensive of toys, and among the most versatile. Almost anything one may do with fingertip squeezing may be done with clothespins, and several things that cannot be accomplished with one’s fingers may easily be done with these tiny household beauties. Of course, this does leave your hands free for other activities….

Clamping Tightness [“too hard!”, “too soft!”, “just right!”]:

Unmodified, most wooden clothespins of quality grip with between 4 and 6 pounds of pressure over an area of 3/16 X 1/2 inches. This is too much for some, and not enough for others. The grip is best increased by wrapping the clamping end with elastic bands, and decreased in several ways. The simplest is by weakening the springs by clamping something that requires the clothespin to be open to its limit for several days. This will reduce the clamping pressure by several pounds, dependent on the initial strength of the spring, the width of the opening, and the length of time one allows for stretching. Carefully pulling the jaws wider than they would normally travel will stretch the spring quickly, but this is harder to control. Wrapping elastic bands around the legs of the clothespin will resist the tension of the spring and weaken the clamping force without permanently weakening the spring.

If you are willing to spend a bit more time, drill straight through both legs of the clothespin legs about one third from the end and thread a bolt through the holes, tightening a wing nut on the bolt will allow for wonderfully precise changes in clamping pressure, since the bolt-nut combination adjustably limits the travel of the legs. It is often best to drill a larger hole or even a slot in one leg for ease of adjustment. This requires perhaps 2 minutes per clothespin and is well worth the time, as the pressure may be slowly increased as hir ability to enjoy the sensation improves. Weights may be hung off of the clothespin as well by hooks or cords attached to such holes and hardware.

‘Standard’ Techniques [suggestions for beginning and advancing]:

One classical place to begin with clothespins is the nipple, but there are many possible variations to this alone. The first grip recommended most often is with the clothespin pointing straight onto the nipple, not from the side, gripping the base of the nipple, not the tip, and perhaps a bit of areola as well. This does not have the same sort of ‘bite’ as grasping the nipple alone may, and often does wonderful things for sensitivity without causing severe pain. It is best to start with a rather weak clamping pressure and work upwards, and if you are just beginning, try not to leave the pins on for too long [start with what sie can endure, and eventually work up to perhaps twenty minutes [I prefer not to leave them on longer than this, YMMV]. The longer the clamping time, the more fierce the sensation caused by removing the pressure. The increased sensitivity afterwards may last from minutes to many hours, depending on the person, the clamping force and time; and several things might be done in this period to use that sensitivity to advantage [beating with the proverbial ‘wet noodle’ or even a featherduster is quite effective]. Ice applied immediately after removing the clothespin may reduce the length and severity of the sensation if that is desired.

You might try putting the clothespin on sideways, with the nipple centered in the the hole in the clamping area. If you do this far enough back on the nipple base or areola, the tip of a large nipple will remain exposed for other things, such as ice, nibbling, or smaller clips and clamps.

You might try clamping the nipple only, or work gradually out from the areola as hir ability to enjoy more increases. Tapping or lightly brushing the tips of attached clothespins is effective, and a light vibrator may also be used if taped to the legs of the clothespin.

One simple device works nicely for both nipples at once on all but the smallest female breasts. Take two clothespins and glue the outsides of the legs together with a slight overlap so then use the clamping ends to grasp both nipples from the sides at once. The pull will vary depending on breast size, but some will be present, thus causing her to jiggle her breasts gently can be fun, and of course, this is often just the thing to add to tickling. Size differences may require an additional short piece of wood to link the pair together, length best found by experiment.

Several people have mentioned pulling on clothespins or clips with strings, chains or cords. The nipple itself may also be encircled by a thin cord or thread, I have used unwaxed dental floss to good effect. Avoid slipknots for the obvious reason that they might tighten too far in use.

Pulling off a clothespin is more painful than squeezing the legs to remove it gently, and is the basis for several devices below. Again, the longer one leaves them attached, the stronger the result. It is also possible to flick off clothespins with a flogger or some other striking device, and combining the two is an interesting way to add some bright ‘explosions’ to the sensations of a ‘standard’ flogging without switching instruments or striking harder. When doing this near the front of the body, some form of eye protection is needed, a heavy blindfold will serve nicely.

Other places you might wish to try:

Many areas of the body might do well with a bit of clamping either for sensation or visual appeal. Other parts of the breast, and any portion of the torso and limbs where one may gather a bit of skin come immediately to mind. In view of the tiny expense, one might use many dozens at one time.

Specific classic variations include but are not limited to:

  • a row, circle [or other sigil of your choice] on the belly or back
  • one or more on the labia or other areas of ‘wabbliebits’ [tm-STella] 
  • the inner thigh or arm 
  • a belt of clothespins round the waist 
  • small clothespins on the webbing of fingers and toes
  • the earlobe [the dangling legs of the clothspin brush the neck nicely] 
  • behind the knees and inside the elbows 
  • a circle round the thighs as a reminder to keep them spread 

‘Zippers’ and other tailoring:

Drill a hole through one leg of at least one dozen clothespins, thread them on a thong or cord, knotting them at small intervals, and you have created a zipper. One derivation for the name will become obvious the first time one tugs swiftly on one end of the cord and hears the sound made by the pins pulling off sensitive skin [there may be other sounds as well]. The spacing may vary, longer ones may be made, and double rows of 20 or so clothespins are common. The inside of the upper arm or thigh are rather traditional for these, but most areas of the body are available, one of my own favorites being the side of the body normally covered by the arms, after binding the arms over the head. Ticklish and sensitive.

A ‘tri-zipper’ is my own name for three of these single zippers with one end of each fastened to a central ring [a keyring will do, but try to find something a bit larger]. The ring is centered high on the belly, with the farthest pins attaching to the nipples and ‘wabbliebits’ [tm-STella], perhaps with a bit of spiral towards the center of each region, and the nearest ones fastening to the skin near the center. The look of horrified anticipation as you grasp the ring and begin to pull slowly outwards, each pin popping off in turn as the three zipper lines move towards the most sensitive areas is not to be missed, while pulling faster often causes volumes of coloratura shrieking.

Another design I have not seen elsewhere I have dubbed the Reverse Garter, ‘reverse’ in the sense of pulling down rather than up. Two bands of non-stretch material [webbing, fabric or leather will do] with buckles or other adjustable fasteners are put high up around each thigh, perhaps five inches from the pubis, although this dimension will vary. Sewn or riveted onto the band is a close [almost touching] row of four clothespins on the inside of the leg, with the clamping ends pointing upwards. These are first attached to the outer labia, then the band is adjusted to a position to gently stretch the lips and tightened so as not to be pulled further up the thigh. Intriguing in itself, and provides both more pull and an interesting display when she spreads her legs. Delectable. [N.B. There are major sensation differences between the outer lips and more inner tissues, grasping these areas with the same force is likely to cause considerably more pain than anticipated.]

(Aside from Domina, “The inner labia are no place for zippers or other methods that could tear fragile skin. This should also indicate to you that scrotum are not good places to do this, either. I know people who have had torn labia from weights and zippers in this area. I’ve HEARD of people having damaged testicles from rough play in this area. PLEASE use a bit of sense here.”)

Modifying pins for more intense sensations:

The simplest method is increasing the clamping force with one or more elastic bands round the clamping end, but there are several others.

Purchase some short 1/8th inch diameter brads or finish nails, and a drill of the same diameter. Drill three holes through the clamping end of two clothespins. Sand, grind, or file the ends of the brads to a smooth *ROUND* tip then push them through so they protrude into the clamping area while the clothespin is held open 1/8th inch. Use a drop of strong glue to hold the brads in place, and saw off the excess length from the outside of the pins after the glue dries. This is as it might appear when completed.

Exceedingly nasty, as the clamping force now concentrates primarily on three small areas rather than the entire clamping area. Use this carefully, preferably with a fully adjustable clothespin as above, and make quite sure by testing on yourself first that the ends of the brads are NOT SHARP at all to avoid damage. Useful for those seeking more than a ‘regular’ clothespin may provide.

Several less extreme variations on the idea above are possible, all based on disassembling the clothespin, filing several grooves in the wooden clamping area, then reassembling the clothespin. Grooves and blunt ‘teeth’ aid in preventing slippage, and feel a bit more harsh than flat wood.

Removing perhaps one-half of the side of the clamping area with a saw or rasp provides two benefits, the same clamping pressure will be applied over a smaller area, and double the number of clothespin tips may fitted to the same bit of anatomy. Remember to round the edges slightly with sandpaper to avoid splinters or other inadvertent injury. View from above of the clamping end with the side removed.

A design for testing the clamping force of clothespins: Tradition demands testing on the web of one’s hand, this is well and good for impromptu buying and to get a subjective feel for the actual sensation of a new design, but lacks precision and repeatability, qualities dear to the heart of any engineer. Some thinking and a bit of experimentation resulted in the following frame to directly and accurately measure clamping force in clothespins. With minor modifications, it serves to measure certain other sorts of spring-clamp pressure as well. I recognize the source of error from measuring the force at the hole rather than the clamping area, but it is a difference both trivial and consistent, and thus may be ignored for comparative testing.

Select two boards longer than 8 inches, wider than 1 inch, and perhaps 1/4 inch thick, and place them together, lying flat on top of one another. Drill a hole through both 5 inches or so from one end. Put a bolt through this hole, and thread a wingnut on the bolt. Clamp the other end of the boards firmly to a table or bench, slide one leg of the clothespin into the tapered space between the two boards, then tighten the wingnut. This frame will hold the clothespin for testing. Once the pin is held firmly in place, use a thin cord attached to a spring tension scale [I use an ‘anglers scale’, accurate from 1 to 28 pounds, any ‘pulling’ scale with a hook will do], and pull downwards against the clamping area until the clothespin opens. This measurement will vary from the pull necessary to just open the jaws to a higher reading before the jaws reach their limit of travel. As mentioned, the ‘standard’ clothespins I have tested fall somewhere in the region of 4-6 pounds, stretching for several days may yield less than 3 pounds, and manual stretching of the clothespin spring will swiftly reduce the pressure to 1 pounds or less. If one has the time and interest, coding the various strength ranges of tested clothespins for different tastes and applications is possible, either by color or by filing groove patterns in the legs to select by touch. “Twenty of the red ones for a start, I am in an evil mood tonight.

Basic Cock and Ball Torture

So What’s the Thrill?

Obviously the cock is the organ of the male body most effectively wired for pleasurable sensation, and there are huge stretches of the pleasure/pain boundary to be explored in its vicinity. But arguably more important is the psychological angle: for many men, cocks are the center of sexuality and a symbol of sexual potency and when someone helplessly undergoes abuse of his most precious appendage the psychological charge is immense. A site normally associated with indulgent pleasure is being transformed into a vulnerable target for punishment and pain. There are also clear links between CT and interests in sexual control and chastity.

Parts of the Penis and How to be Cruel to Them


A structure of several layers, the core layer being spongy tissues (the corpora cavernosa) that engorge with blood during erection and the arteries that supply them. Within this and a little closer to the underside is the urethra (the duct that carries urine and semen) and around it muscle fiber, nerves and minor blood vessels covered in a loose layer of skin. The shaft is the least sensitivepart of the cock, though the sensitivity of the skin that covers it increases greatly when stretched during erection — appropriately, because an erect cock, being under pressure, is far more fragile than a flaccid cock. The flaccid shaft can be struck with the palm of the hand, knuckles or objects like small ‘cock-whips’, rulers and beaters (though avoid excessive force – see below); squeezed with hands or otherwise pressurized with bindings; scratched and abraded with fingernails and rough-textured objects like stiff brushes; subjected to extremes of hot and cold (temperature play); pinched on the surface skin with fingers or clothespins and clamps. When erect similar treatments could be applied but much more gently. In both cases avoid too much pressure on the underside, where the urethra is closest to the surface.


The fold of skin that covers the glans when flaccid and should roll back to expose it on erection is basically skin with nerves and blood vessels, and a little more sensitive than the shaft, particularly on the inside. Even when it has been removed by circumcision, a remnant usually remains, particularly of the frenum, a web-like structure that attaches it under the glans and can be a very sensitive site for pinching and pegs. The foreskin as a whole can be squeezed, stretched and twisted fairly firmly to no real ill effect.

Glans (head)

Primarily spongy tissue (the corpus spongiosum, erectile but less so than the shaft) covered in a thin, tight and highly sensitive skin layer. The most sensitive part of the dick, even more so in many circumcised men, and particularly so at the ridge at its base, the corona. Little effort is needed to produce results, and some men find even gentle stroking difficult to bear. Can be struck like the shaft, squeezed, pinched, subjected to temperature play, rubbed and abraded and so on. Sometimes a little water-based lubricant helps things along.

Urethral opening or meatus (piss-slit, pisshole)

Often very sensitive and tender, particularly just inside, which in many people is an unexplored territory, and can be carefully teased with fingers or other objects such as cotton buds, lubricated if less discomfort is desired, and also stimulated by pulling and twisting on a healed Prince Albert piercing. However the urethra is sterile inside and any objects to be inserted more than a centimeter (0.5″) or so should be sterile too. See Catheters and Sounds for more details of urethral play, which has its own potential dangers.

Special Techniques

Much enjoyment can be gained by exploiting the cock’s propensity to increase and decrease in size somewhat independently of the conscious control of its owner by various forms of cock bondage. One of the most common pieces of male SM wear is undoubtedly the cock ring, a metal or rubber ring (the latter are usually vacuum cleaner drive belts repackaged by fetish shops at a vast premium) through which first balls (one by one) then cock are slipped when flaccid and which can give a pleasantly constricted feeling when erect.

With some men, unfortunately, the difference in size between tumescense and detumesence is so large that it’s impossible to find a size that stays on all the time but isn’t dangerously tight and uncomfortable on erection. As David Stein recounts: “I once made the mistake of putting on a metal ring at home before going out. At the bar, when I lost my erection in a moment of distraction, the ring came off, slid down the leg of my jeans, hit the floor witha clang, and rolled away.Not the way to make a good impression.” A variation on a ring is a simple cock strap that goes round the same site, often made of leather or neoprene and adjustable to size.

During a scene, the snugness of the bindings could be increased so that erections are deliberately made uncomfortable or painful (there are some hazards to this — see below): with some people this can result in a particularly vicious circle with the discomfort itself exciting further erection. This can be achieved with cords, laces or thongs, for example tightly connecting loops around the glans with loops anchored round the base of cock and balls. A variety of purpose made cock straps is also available for the purpose, such as the ‘anti-erect’. There are obvious links here to chastity techniques.

In addition, cocks are often the focus of specialist techniques including clothespins, electricity, piercing (temporary and permanent), pumping, and waxing.

Health and Safety

Circulation Blockage

This is probably the biggest danger in cock play, as pain may not be a reliable indicator. Tissue that’s deprived of blood eventually stops hurting — which doesn’t mean it’s okay! It may be irreversibly damaged. Any binding is too tight if it cuts into the skin and causes bleeding. Any binding is on too long if it causes the cock or ballsac to become cold or numb, but the third typical sign of circulation problems in limbs that are bound — loss of color — is less reliable in this case. The cock and ball sac normally become engorged with blood during sexual arousal, turning reddish or purplish as a result, and up to a point genital bondage just helps that process along. Circulation could be dangerously impaired by tight bindings before there’s much loss of color.

A better sign of impaired circulation is edema, or visible swelling, of soft tissue in the cock or scrotum below or around a binding. While such swelling isn’t dangerous in itself (it will normally go down on its own after circulation resumes), whenever it occurs the bonds causing it should be loosened or removed as soon as possible in order to prevent damage. Avoid genital bindings that can’t be removed easily even when there’s swelling. Tie with a bow-knot or some other knot that will release easily if you pull on the ends — and be sure to leave the ends long enough to get at. Keep blunt-tipped emergency medical technician’s shears (scissors) available to cut bindings in an emergency. Don’t use a metal cock ring that’s tight when the cock you put it on is soft. It’s going to be a lot tighter when that cock gets hard, and you won’t be able to take it off until the cock softens again — which might be a long wait if the ring has caused severe edema.

To sum up: A good rule of thumb is to loosen tight genital bindings enough to restore full circulation every 20 to 30 minutes even without any signs of a problem. And in no case should anything tighter than a comfortable ring or harness be left in place overnight or throughout an extended scene.

Retrograde ejaculation

If a man is forced to come while tightly bound around the genitals, the semen may be forced back down the urethra and reabsorbed into the body. Deliberate retrograde ejaculation is a practice of Tantric yoga, and although possibly uncomfortable, there doesn’t seem to be any direct medical research on whether it is harmful. Evidence from vasectomies suggests frequent retrograde ejaculations might at worst lower sperm counts or generate antibodies to semen. An isolated incident should be nothing to worry about.

Other problems

Foreskins can be torn, and if circulation in them is cut off for very long, the tissue won’t retract normally and could even die and slough off.

Be gentle with genital piercings: if you rip a ring out, you’ll need medical help to repair the damage and avoid a nasty scar, infection, or worse. If a ring does tear out, use an ice pack and local pressure to stop the bleeding (see the First Aid Manual) until you can get to a doctor.

A fracture, when an erect penis is struck hard and “breaks” with a loud cracking noise, is an unlikely but potentially serious problem, a medical emergency that requires prompt treatment by a physician. As first aid on the way to the hospital, use ice packs to control bleeding. But if you avoid hard blows to a hard cock, you won’t risk the problem in the first place.

Ball Torture (BT)

Ball Torture refers to a range of techniques to cause sensation, discomfort and pain in the male testicles and scrotum. Common examples are squeezing with hands, slapping and beating with hands and other objects, crushing using various vice-like devices and applying pressure with bindings, straps and weights are favorite techniques. Often found in conjunction with cock torture (CT), thus CBT.

So What’s the Thrill?

As most men know, the balls are highly sensitive, particularly to pressure. Most men find handling, stroking and squeezing gently is a pleasurable sensation in itself, and the boundary between strong sensation and outright pain seems particularly malleable here. For many people there is also the thrill that the balls are regarded as probably the most delicate and vulnerable part of the male anatomy and using them in SM games requires great trust and carries a particularly intense charge.


The scrotum is a loose, flexible bag of skin that contains the testicles (the “balls”), two bean-shaped organs of fibrous material covering soft gland tissue in which sperm is produced. Plentiful pressure-sensitive nerves in the testicles account for their extreme sensitivity to blows or squeezing. A ridge on the outside of each testicle, known as the epidymis, extends up to form a lump on top and contains tubules that transfer sperm. Attached to the top, next to the epidymis, is the spermatic cord, an elastic tissue that connects the testicles to the rest of the body and contains the vas deferens, the duct between the epidymis and the penis. Since sperm production requires a lower temperature than the normal body temperature, the testicles usually hang outside the body, but the spermatic cord can draw them up into the body when cold. The scrotum also contains some fluid.

Various implements to use

Hands are the obvious weapons: precisely controllable and always available. Slap (gently), punch (more gently), or flick with fingertips, and carefully squeeze with the fingers. Get the balls in the bottom of the scrotum, then twist the scrotum around above them to prevent them slipping out of your fingers.

Probably the second most popular items are ball bondage toys. Cords, ropes, laces and bandages can all be wrapped in various ways around the balls to stretch the scrotal skin, force balls apart or together and put pressure on individual balls. A classic basic tie is a loop around the base of both cock and balls, a loop around the neck of the scrotum and then a loop between the balls to force them apart. Leather and fetish shops usually have a range of (usually leather, sometimes rubber or neoprene) toys with various arrangements of straps purpose made for ball bondage, for example: Cock and ball straps and dividers anchor the balls in place round the root of the scrotum and cock and pass around the scrotum vertically to separate the balls.

Ball stretchers are straps of various sizes that go around the top of the scrotum horizontally, forcing the balls down into the stretched sac. Alternatives are bandages, ropes or leather thongs which can be gradually wrapped round to increase the pressure. Just a modest strap around the top of the scrotum will have the additional effect of trapping the balls and preventing them slipping out of range. Parachutes are parachute-shaped devices with a hole in the middle for the scrotum to pass through, with the parachute itself resting on top of the balls. Ball weights are then hung from chains below the parachute. Weights can also be hung from arrangements of chain or rope. Be very careful with weights: some men can work up to hanging quite large weights from their balls, but there is some danger to the practice. Weights of 500g-1.5kg (1-3 lbs) should be enough to give sensation and be safe.

As well as weights, light objects that move can be hung from balls. A London top has experimented with dangling a spherical jumping toy from Toys R Us in a string bag attached to ball bindings or parachute. Crushing the balls can be achieved with various clamps or bondage equipment like cling film (saran wrap) or elastic bandages (Ace bandages). DeBlase says he has read “of an American Indian torture that involved soaking a piece of rawhide and then sewing it up to tightly encase a victim’s scrotum. As it dries, it shrinks, increasing pressure”. He also speculates about experimenting with an inflatable blood pressure cuff, and suggests putting gravel inside the elastic bandages to add abrasion to the repertoire of ball techniques.

Toys for beating need to be fairly light and delicate. An ordinary pencil is quite adequate, especially for rapid light strokes on a well-secured ball. Some people use a small, soft cat o’nine tails called a ball whip. One source of hard objects suitable to the task is music shops: try bell-beaters designed for playing hand-held cowbells, or mallets topped with dense rubber balls of the sort used to play glockenspiels and chime bars!

Other specialist techniques could be applied to the balls. See elastrators, electricity, play piercing, shaving.

Health and Safety

The key thing to remember is that levels of tolerance vary enormously. When you’re playing with anyone new, always start out lightly with any kind of stimulation to the balls and increase the intensity gradually. With an established partner or in “self-abuse,” you can safely begin at a higher level and move faster, but you should still be very sensitive to his (or your own) reactions as you go along. Probably the single most important danger signal in this area is intense and often rapidly increasing pain, so the bottom must be able to let the top know unmistakably when he’s had enough. In the vast majority of cases, a bottom whose consciousness is not dulled by alcohol or drugs will have no difficulty in distinguishing between a level of pain that is erotically stimulating and pain that signals real damage.

Probably the most common form of genitorture involves pressure exerted by “ball crushers,” the hands, or weights. While even a heavy, experienced masochist is almost certain to beg for relief well before damage is done through steady pressure alone, if you have any doubt whether you’re injuring him, stop. Ball stretchers aren’t hazardous within reasonable limits, but don’t get impatient and over do it. Begin with a narrow stretcher band and work up to wider ones gradually, carefully monitoring the bottom’s (or your own) acceptance of the increasing pressure. Do not leave the any genital bindings on too long and certainly not overnight – a good rule of thumb is to remove them every 20 or 30 minutes and allow the circulation to return to normal for a while. See the Cock Torture briefing for more on the dangers of circulation blockage in cock and ball play.

Much more potentially hazardous is any bondage in which the balls are tied to something else, such as another part of the body or a hook on wall or floor, and might be yanked by a sudden movement: for instance, if you tie a rope or attach a chain between his ankles and his scrotum so that if he tries to move his legs he pulls on his balls. Don’t combine this kind of bondage with any other strong stimulation that might cause him to yank on his balls involuntarily, in reaction to pain elsewhere, unless he’s otherwise so tightly restrained he cannot move enough to put pressure on them. And never tie someone by the balls to a wall, post, etc. in a standing position without additional support: he could lose his balance or faint and put his whole body-weight on them.

The most common injuries to the balls during genitorture are abrasions (usually from rough-surfaced bindings, such as rawhide or scratchy rope), bruises (usually from slapping or whipping the balls), and tiny cuts (which might happen in any rough play when the scrotum is pulled tight over the balls, or during a shaving), minor injuries best treated with sensible first aid such as cleaning with antiseptic. Bruises generally heal by themselves, though an ice pack can limit swelling. Medical intervention is not usually necessary unless the bruising doesn’t fade normally or you suspect an infection.

More serious is a hematoma, which occurs when an injury ruptures larger, deeper blood vessels and a pool or pocket of blood forms between layers of tissue, such as between the scrotum and the balls. The pocket of blood will generally clot in a short time and form a hard mass. Externally, it will appear as a firm, bulging, or swollen area. A small hematoma will usually be reabsorbed without lasting damage. One that is large or keeps growing (because fresh blood keeps accumulating) can “squeeze” adjacent structures, including nerves and blood vessels, reducing circulation to the area and impairing sensation and other functions. If the pressure of a large hematoma is not relieved, permanent damage can result. Prompt medical attention is indicated.

In men who are predisposed to them, minor injuries to the balls can precipitate subsequent swellings, called hydroceles or spermatoceles, in which fluids other than blood build up in the space around the testicles. They can be corrected at one’s convenience unless they become infected, in which case prompt treatment is required. Another problem to watch out for is an epididymal cyst; this is not typically caused by trauma but if you notice any unexplained swelling or mass in your partner’s scrotum, or your own, do not engage in such play until you know it is harmless or have it corrected. Also, avoid ball bondage entirely with anyone who has a scrotal hernia.

Probably the most serious damage that might occur to the balls during erotic genitorture — which is not to say that it’s likely — is rupture of a testicle. This is when the outer covering of the ball splits and allows the contents to spill out into the scrotal sac. Besides causing extreme pain, often accompanied by nausea, a ruptured testicle will make the scrotum swell rapidly, and internal bleeding will nearly always create a large hematoma. The ballsac will appear black and blue and be massively enlarged. If this happens, go to an emergency room immediately! The most likely causes are suddenly yanking on the balls or hitting them with a heavy, blunt instrument. Symptoms similar to rupture occur in cases of testicular torsion, which is when the spermatic cords and vessels that suspend the testicle within the scrotum become twisted or kinked, interrupting the normal flow of blood, etc. There will be intense pain, and the scrotum will swell rapidly and be extremely tender to the touch. Surgery must be done within six hours of the onset of pain or the testicle will be lost.

Canes: The Rod of Rods

By Gary Switch

The cane is the reason why erotic flagellation is known as the English Vice.  As iconic as the maritime cat-o’-nine-tails, Scottish tawse, fraternity paddle, and the American bullwhip may be, none is so perfectly suited to the task at hand.  None possesses the elegant severity of a thin, swishy wand of rattan.

    Rattan is the stem of a giant tropical Asian grass, growing over twelve feet tall.  Bamboo won’t do.  It lacks flexibility and is prone to unexpected splitting, its hollow shaft suddenly sprouting razor-sharp edges — although whipping with split bamboo rods was a form of capital punishment in ancient China.  Synthetics (Delrin, Lexan, and fiberglass) make popular canes.  They’re available clear, and in black and other colors.  They don’t fray or dry out, but they’re denser than rattan, hence too severe; and lack a natural direction of bend, hence harder to control.  And they have all the aesthetic appeal of artificial flowers.  Nature does it best.


    The cane became the rod of choice during the Victorian era, usurping the birch.  There were several contributing factors:

    1.    Availability.  British and Dutch traders opened up the Far East at the end of the eighteenth century and began importing rattan for use in wickerwork and furniture.  Nilgiri canes, from a district in eastern India, became the standard instrument of academic correction.

    2.    Modesty. A birching must be delivered on the bare, and the Victorians were uncomfortable with indecent exposure.  As a French commissioner noted, “One is astonished at seeing English masters remove a garment which the prudery of their language hesitates to name.”  A cane is effective over the drawers, even over the trousers.

    3.    Durability.  A bundle of birch switches, even soaked in brine, shreds to pieces after a whipping or two.  A single cane can see to hundreds of bottoms.  When the end begins to split, it is simply trimmed and returned to service.

    4.    Efficiency.  A memorable birching requires dozens upon dozens of strokes, its effect resulting from the cumulative sensation of hundreds of minute cuts and scratches.  Six of the best with a cane is sufficient for a brisk but unforgettable experience.  Every stroke counts.  The cane’s flexibility permits its tip to attain speeds of up to 200 miles per hour.

    5.    Favorable pain-to-damage ratio.  The cane’s smooth, round cross-section, lightness, and speed transmit maximal deep-down sensation while causing minimal surface trauma.  Intense sting and several days sitting-down discomfort — an ideal reminder for students — may be inflicted leaving only stripes that soon fade.  A stringent birching slashes the loins into a bloody shambles.  Thus frequent caning is both practical and humane.

    In discussions of caning, one case always arises.  The civilized pleasure of erotic flagellation bears no relation to the brutal ordeal suffered by American vandal Michael Fay in Singapore.  He was dealt four strokes from a rod half an inch thick and four feet long, wielded with maximum force by an executioner using a two-handed grip.  (The original sentence was six strokes — Fay had a good lawyer.)  Such judicial barbarity results in bloody furrows and permanent scars. Not safe, not sane, not consensual, no fun.  Not what we’re talking about.  But remember that atrocity was perfectly legal – yet they call people of kink depraved!

    So why did British aristocrats crave to recreate their dread schoolboy discipline by patronizing flogging brothels and paying the likes of Alice Kerr-Sutherland (author of A Guide to the correction of Young Gentlemen) and Theresa Berkley (inventor of the Berkley Bench) a guinea a stroke?  Because it hurts so good!  You and your partner may be enthusiastic spankers ready to try other flavors.  Spanking is a thud.  Caning is sting and burn, a sharply focused sensation, a compelling excursion into the entertainment potential of your central nervous system.  It’s ecstasy for endorphin junkies, heaven for heavy players, paradise for bottoms who’ve learned to process pain into pleasure.  Pain is when I stub my toe.  Pleasure is when I’m tingling in anticipation of the next stroke.  Caning can be severe or sensuous, decadent or decorous, spontaneous or scripted.  Incorporating a single implement into your play can add oodles of atmosphere.


    A practical recreational rod measures about 1/4 to 3/8 of an inch in diameter (the narrower, the stingier), and from 24 to 32 inches long.  A yard-long school cane is difficult to control without much practice.  Considerably less expensive than fancy paddles and floggers, canes have another distinct advantage:  their impact makes very little noise, an important consideration if your bedroom has thin walls with nosy neighbors on the other side.  (Noise made by the recipient is another matter.)

    A good cane need not be straight as an arrow.  In selecting one, stroke vertically in its natural direction of bend and beware of any wobble to the left or right.  A few gentle swings should reveal its flexibility.  Do not attempt to bend the cane into a circle; this will damage it.

    The British public school tradition insists on a crook handle for hanging the cane menacingly on the wall, but a loop attached to the end of a straight cane serves the same purpose.  Sometimes the end of a cane is steam-bent into a complete turn to form a handle, but the best natural handle is the knob at the root end of a rattan stalk.  Knob-handled canes are rare indeed.

    Some merciful schoolmasters used to brace the crook against their forearms in a style that prevented any wrist action, also shortening the cane’s effective length.  If you purchase a crook-handle cane, be sure the crook is properly aligned relative to the cane’s natural bend to suit your grip and stroking style.  Crooks also serve to prevent the cane from flying away, as does a straight-cane handle wrapping.  Use a thin leather thong (kangaroo is ideal), racket-handle tape, shrink-wrap, or bicycle handlebar wrap.  Electrical tape works too, but lacks elegance.


    Canes are usually sanded to remove some or all of the bark and to smooth the joints.  A “peeled” cane with all the heavy bark removed is much less dense, so it’s less severe as well, making it a good cane for beginners.  It’s also more fragile and should be frequently examined for splinters.  Unsealed, such a cane soaks up bodily fluids like a sponge so its use should be restricted to light play or limited to one particular bottom.  Sealing a sanded cane with repeated light coatings of shellac, varnish, or polyurethane prevents it from soaking up bodily fluids.  Leaving all the bark on results in a heavy, stiff cane with joints that may cause more bruising than you’d like.

    Canes should be stood upright with their business ends in an inch of water and left standing overnight every few months.  The fibers will draw in the water, keeping the ends from drying out and splitting.  Purists advise sanding and resealing the end each time, but this isn’t necessary if only the very end is left unsealed.  The tip should never dig into your target, anyway.  A split end may be trimmed off, but be sure to sand it to a smooth, rounded tip before re-use.  Taping the tip retards splitting.


    It requires remarkably little force to deliver a memorable cane stroke.  Think of it as a whip, not a stick.  Think badminton, not tennis.  Wrist alone (if your wrist is strong and supple) will be enough to satisfy many bottoms.  Wrist and forearm combined suffice to deal an exhilarating cut.  A wrist flick right at the end of the stroke can be devastating.  Chastisers used to hold a book (try a Bible, if you’re very kinky) under their caning arms to limit the power of their strokes.  A saber-stroke-style slash with shoulder, elbow, and wrist all fully involved is probably over-doing it.

    Practice on a cushion upholstered in a nappy fabric (or a teddy bear) so you can see where you’re striking.  Aim a few inches short of the edge of the pillow because a power stroke will reach further and wrap around more.  Begin with the cane up next to where you want to strike, tap, draw back, and let it return mostly by its natural recoil, applying very little additional force.  Gradually increase the involvement of your wrist and then your elbow.  Start the stroke further away from your target but continue to begin each stroke by drawing back, allowing the cane’s end to achieve maximum travel.  Your goal is an even impact of about the last third of the cane’s length.  You don’t want the tip to cut in.  Once consistent accuracy has been attained, you can develop fancier strokes in your own personal style.

    After you’ve achieved control, practice on your partner’s clothed hindquarters.  Use a wide, thick belt to protect the lower spine and kidneys.  Insist on detailed feedback.  You’re looking for an “Mmmmm!”  You might chalk the end of the cane to tell exactly where your strokes land.  British school prefects used to do this as an aid in striking repeatedly in precisely the same spot, a sadistic practice that is extremely painful and may result in deep, long-lasting bruises.  Spread your strokes around.

    Stand to the side and a bit forward of your target, so that the far buttock won’t receive the brunt of the blow.  The ideal is an even stripe across both buttocks.  Since this is difficult to achieve, you’ll want to move from your forehand to your backhand side periodically, in order to evenly treat both cheeks.  The sulcus, or crease between the buttocks and thighs, is extremely sensitive, as are the backs of the thighs, because they lack the natural padding of the butt.  If you intend to stimulate these areas, decrease the force of the strokes you direct there.


    There are two main schools of caning technique.  English-style traditionalists insist upon power strokes only, with no warm-up, while the West Coast school enjoys inflicting a variety of intensities.  Many sources insist that there is no middle ground in caning — that strokes are either wimpy or wicked.  Striving to please my partner, Rebecca, who loves to receive the cane but has a low pain threshold, I have proved that moderate strokes are possible with practice and sensitivity to each individual cane’s response.

    A cane has a natural rhythm, useful for delivering a massage of rapid pitter-pats.  An educated wrist can endlessly vary the intensity, unexpectedly interspersing harder shots to keep the bottom alert.  This massaging technique is an excellent way to learn to control the force and to stimulate sensitive but delicate areas where a full stroke would be dangerous, e.g. palms of the hands, soles of the feet (bastinado), insides of the thighs, armpits, belly, breasts, and genitals.  The narrow tip of the cane is perfect for tickling those hard-to-reach spots.  Such rap-tap-tapping is a great warm-up for power strokes.

    Severe strokes demand ceremony, both in giving and receiving.  For some, formal ritual is an essential element of caning.  The ceremony begins with the commands, “Unbutton.  Let down.  Assume the position.”  Dangling shirttails are “taken up,” tucked or pinned out of the way.  The drawers may be slowly, humiliatingly lowered by the chastiser, or left up with a promise to lower them if the culprit proves unruly.  A fearsome whistling swipe through the air puts the subject in the proper frame of mind.

    The position is usually bent over, so that errant strokes will miss entirely rather than impacting the lower spine.  (But aim low to avoid the tailbone.)  Bending over tightens the flesh of the buttocks so that the stroke is felt more keenly.  Lying prone is a good position for subjects of novice caners because downward strokes are easier to control, and unstretched buttocks are more padded.  A pillow may be put on the far side of the target area to harmlessly absorb any wrap-around.

    Power strokes must be slowly served and savored.  The pain is two-fold:  the surface smart at the moment of impact and the delayed internal fire as the compressed nerves spring back.  To masochists, the sensation of a perfect stroke is as exquisite as an orgasm, and one has been known to lead to the other. Allow plenty of time for full appreciation of the blooming pain’s slow burn before you deal the next one.

    Strokes are awarded in sets of six.  Counting by the culprit is key.  “One.  Thank you Sir/Ma’am.  May I have another?”  Penalty strokes are awarded for miscounting, flinching out of position, or attempting to shield the target area with a hand.  Bondage is seldom employed, since voluntary submission is an essential part of the correction ritual.


    It is customary to create a closely spaced grid of parallel stripes, each welt bearing twin red edges, to demonstrate your superb control.  An expert caner is capable of producing stripes that will last for hours, days, or weeks, according to the recipient’s pleasure.  “Gating” is the fiendish technique of crossing such a pattern with a diagonal stroke, often drawing blood where the stripes intersect.  (Obviously, if blood is drawn, the cane must be carefully plastic-bagged and disinfected, but it’s a rare bottom who hasn’t had enough well before this point.)  Schoolboys returning to their dormitories after a session with the headmaster, used to rate the severity of their thrashings by having classmates count the number of “stars” on their bottoms, where strokes had crossed.

    Afterward, the culprit may be required to hold position and forbidden to rub the afflicted area until permission is granted to rise.  It is customary to kiss the cane and express gratitude for the exertions of the chastiser.

    “Thank you, Miss, for having corrected me.  I ask your pardon for the trouble you have taken, and I promise never to steal again.”  —    —  Harriet Marwood, Governess, by John Glassco


  •     “The Art of Caning,” by Peter Fisk, Checkmate #13, November, 1995.
  •     “Sensuous Caning,” by Conrad Hodson,
  •     “Canes and Caning,” by Mitch Kessler, SandMUtopian Guardian, #19
  •     Thy Rod and Staff, by Edward Anthony
  •     An Illustrated History of the Rod, by William M. Cooper, B.A.
  •     A Guide to the Correction of Young Gentlemen, written by a Lady (Alice Kerr-Sutherland)

This article originally appeared in Prometheus, Issue #35.  All rights reserved.  Do not reprint without permission. 

Breast Bondage

This little dissertation is meant to be a discussion of the six different types of bondage applied to the female breasts. I will not say that there are not more ways, nor will I say that these basics cannot be embellished upon. These are the basic techniques which a dom/me may use to begin to build upon for their, and their subs amusement, enjoyment, and stimulation.

Why do breast Bondage?

There are several reasons why breast bondage is an important element in the domination of the female. The breasts and nipples are generously provided with an abundance of nerve endings, have no bones to break, and are notoriously resilient to ‘attention’. Coupled with the mental and psychological orientation of the human with the breast as a source of sustenance, the breast is a physical and mental target of great importance.

How is breast bondage developed?

The objects of breast bondage are to enhance the look of the assets for the dom, focus the vision of the sub on the objects being enhanced, and to provide stimulation directly to the breasts to focus the feelings of the bondage recipient on the assets, and their state of submission or stimulation.

Is Breast Bondage for a short time, or for long duration?

Breast bondage can be for an intense short time, or a less intense longer period often lasting hours. The duration of the bondage must be taken into mind when choosing the technique, as well as the material to be used, and the tension, or tightness imposed. Breasts should never become blue, or become numb. Tightness, swelling, and redness are common. Some discomfort can be expected in the early stages of exploration. Remember, different women have different sensitivity to various areas of their breasts. Some have very sensitive nipples and areola, others do not. Similarly the supporting heavy tissue in some is sore, and easily bruised, while others can take a lot of ‘attention’. The dom/me needs to explore each new sub carefully, in the beginning.

Do you do breasts, or just nipples, or both?

There are almost an infinite variety of things you can do with the nipples, and others that deal with the breasts themselves. I will concentrate here on the breasts. Feel free to add clamps, rings, bows, or clothespins after, to your personal taste <grin>.

What kind of materials do I need to do this?

The materials will depend on the effect being sought, the size and flexibility of the breasts, and the technique being used. It is common to use braided ropes of polyester, or cotton, or silk. Also leather thongs , silk ribbon, twine, light wire, or saran wrap are useful in other situations. Finally, in some cases, tensor bandages, or elastic wrap, or light chains are suitable for some, but not all techniques.

How do I choose what type and material to use?

Remember that you are out to accomplish some combination of three things. The look to the dom, of neat, tidy, tight, and good presentation of the naked breast to his/her easy use and access. Second, the visual effect from the subs point of view, where they know they are controlled, and being constrained and presented by their dom/me for some purpose entirely outside of their control. And thirdly, the bondage is designed to provide sensory feedback to the sub to stimulate them either subtly, or intensely, and reinforce the knowledge that they are being prepared for their doms imminent use. Where the bondage is being used as a longer term continued stimulation to get her stimulated and keep her aroused, it is prudent to select something that looks good, and can last for hours, without the need to adjust things for safety purposes.

Can breast bondage be done by the sub herself, alone?

There are a few techniques which can be done by the sub to her own breasts, without help. There are several more complex techniques which require the masters hands to accomplish. It is intriguing for the master to watch her bind herself for her dom/mes pleasure and enjoyment, and to a tension and constriction which the sub feels they can handle.

So what are the Techniques?

Type 1 – Breast Circling/Cinching

This type is suitable for ladies with a C or D cup breast shape. While bending slightly forward, the sub puts her hands behind her back so the dom can work on the breasts one at a time. Using a 1/4 inch or 3/16 inch rope or ribbon, or leather thong, wrap two turns around the base of the breast, and snug up carefully. Use a square knot on other non-slip knot. Run at least two more turns around that breast, and tie off the running end of the thong with an overhand knot. Repeat for the second breast. You can tie the running ends together behind her back to lift and separate the breasts, or use another short length to fasten them close together. If this type of tie is used, and done too tightly, there will be some discomfort, and the need to monitor the color and sensation in the breast, on a regular basis.

Type 2 – Two Rope Cinching

In this type, use one rope of about 1/2 inch diameter, about 20 feet long. Start by putting the rope behind her while she has her arms raised and her hands clasped behind her neck. bring the two loose ends to the front, and make sure they are the same length. Get the sub to lift the breasts, while you cross the two rope ends under the breasts, high up on the ribcage. Pass the ends around her chest and back behind her again. You now have two wraps under breasts. Let the breasts back down, and bring the ropes around, under her armpits, but over her breasts. take the now shorter ends around to the back, and tie them off with square knots, where she cant reach them to untie them.

Next, take a much smaller rope, ribbon, or twine, 1/8 inch, and at the left side of the left breast, take the short rope and place it under the two larger ropes. Tie a square knot, tightly on the two ropes, bringing them together. Now wind and lace the little rope around the two big ropes, in the direction of the nipple. This will draw the two (four actually) bigger ropes together, and tighten the ropes on the breast. Do this on the right side of the right breast, to balance, and cinch on that side. If you are feeling cruel, get another short rope, and tie/cinch the four big ropes at the point between her breasts,… and lace until tight enough to get her attention.

Type 3 – Rope Bra

In this type, you need a 30 foot rope, of about 3/8 or 5/16 diameter, and soft braided type. Like the previous type, run the rope behind her first, and run the first two wraps under her breast, high on the ribcage. On the second wrap, run the ropes between her breasts, and finish above her breasts and under the arms. In the back, knot the two ends together and around the first two wraps. This will put the knot in the middle of the back. Take the running ends over her shoulders, on either side of her neck, and bring them down between her breasts. Tie a knot between her breasts, then take the loose ends around behind her, under the breasts. Run the loose ends around the back and under her armpit, then over her shoulder on the other side of her neck. Do this for both sides. Tie the ends of the ropes off in the middle of the back. The breast will be accentuated and surrounded by the ropes, but no pressure is applied. This can be done to any size or shape breast. You can secure the crossing points of the ropes with small lacing, if the bondage is desired to last for several hours, or if you want to tighten up the tension around her breasts.

Type 4 – Presentation Rope Shelf

In this type you need at least a 1/2 inch rope, braided polyester preferably. You will need about 50 feet, depending on the chest size of the sub.

Start by taking a 12 inch bend of rope at one end. Place it vertically in the center of her back, at her breast level. Run the rope around her once, and place the wrap over the vertical loop, to hold it in place. The wrap is under her breasts, about 3 inches below the breast. Make three more wraps around her chest, getting higher and higher each time. The fourth wrap should be snug under her breasts. Adjust now as necessary.

The second level of three wraps will lie on top of the base four wraps. In the back the vertical loop is still visible, and accessible. The three wraps will be snubbed up just under her breasts. The third level of wraps goes on top of the second, and more snugly under the breasts. The final wrap is brought around to the back, and inserted into the top or the vertical loop, and the dangling end of the loop is pulled to snug the loop against the wraps, and then the dangling end is tied off to the running end, in the middle of the back. The effect is to create a tight shelf of rope, under the breasts to force them out on a shelf, on display, and easy access for floggings, stroking, touching, or other activities. This looks great under a sweater too.<grin>

Type 5 – Japanese Rope Harness

This type is more complex. Take a 50 foot rope., and make a 10 foot bend in one end. 12 inches from the bent end, tie a double overhand knot. make four more knots, one every 16 inches. Take the knotted end and open the first loop, and place the subs head in it. It will be a loose loop sitting on her shoulders. The second knot will probably rest under her breasts, the third on her lower abdomen near her navel, or lower. Have her spread her legs, and bring the loose ends of the ropes between her legs. Bring the loose ends up the middle of her back, and tie the loose end to the rope at the back of her neck. The harness will be relatively loose at this stage , so don’t worry about her not getting enough stimulation,..yet.

You now have one running end with about 30 feet of rope to play with. You are starting from the back at the neck level. Run from there under the arm to tie loosely to the rope above the breast, then back around the back, and attach to the same rope loop, but from the other side. As you tighten the ropes to the sides, the loops will get shorter, and wider, and the tension on the crotch rope will get tighter 🙂

Go from the above breast loop, to the below breast loop, and then from the tummy loop to the back near the buttocks loop. As you adjust the lower loops, and increase the tension, be sure to open her lips, and insert the two ropes securely between her lips. How tight is up to you.

For the breasts, finish off by tightening the chest loops, and cinching up the under and over breast loops. Looks good and gets her attention, etc.

Type 6 – Breast Binder

This type of tie can be uncomfortable, depending on the tension, and type of material.

In this we are essentially squashing the breasts against the chest, to make them smaller, but in doing so, increases the pressure on the breasts. Start with the bandage wrap. saran wrap, or rope UNDER the breast, then wrap around her twice, then start wrapping above the breasts, downwards. Finish as snugly as desired. The tighter done, the more important for close monitoring and attention. Finish off in the back, so she cant get at the knots..

Enjoy, have fun, be careful, and remember to use your imagination.

Bondage Techniques by Dr. Bondage

Like any other sport or hobby, bondage is best practiced with an awareness of safety. If the game is played right, every participant wins!

In all sports, there is the possibility of accidents, so here are some recommended “don’ts” for bondage. Don’t play when you’re not alert. Don’t play when tired or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Don’t try things you aren’t sure about. The front of the neck should never receive pressure of any kind. Don’t leave a bondaged person alone.  Bondage Techniques by Dr. Bondage is a great site!  Here are the links to the various sections.  Please read “Safety” first.



Basic Rope Techniques

Advanced Techniques

Negotiate a Bondage Scene

Rope Marks

Anal Play

Why would anyone want to have anal sex?
For many people, anal sex is the ultimate taboo. Buttfucking makes it sound crude and dirty, sodomy sounds technical. In the 1990’s, anal sex has been given the bad rap because HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, is most easily transmitted by anal intercourse. But some people love anal sex. Others hate it. Others haven’t tried it yet and are curious. And many people are attracted to it precisely because it’s so taboo and mysterious.

What is analingus?
One other part of the body that some people enjoy licking, or having licked, is the anus. The anus has half the nerve endings in the pelvic region and many people find touching it to be sexually arousing.  The anus and rectum carry many diseases that live quite benignly in your lower digestive tract, but which can be harmful in your mouth or stomach. Performing anilingus is a very risky behavior for a variety of bacterial infections. Refer to resources on safer sex techniques for ways to protect yourself if you or your partner enjoys this activity.

Does anal sex hurt?
Anal sex should not hurt. If it hurts, you’re doing it wrong. With enough lubricant and enough patience, it’s entirely possible to enjoy anal sex as a safe and fulfilling part of your sex life. However, some people may never like it, and if your lover is one of those people, respect their limits. Don’t force the idea upon them.

Can anal sex actually give pleasure?
The pleasure of anal sex is derived from many things. Doing something “nasty” appeals to many people, especially about sex. Doing something different to spice up a sex life that has become something of a bore can be part of it. And the physical sensations available during anal sex are uniquely different from anything else. The rectum is lined with nerve endings, some of which signal the brain to ‘reward’ you with good feelings when stimulated. For men, the prostate gland can be a source of powerful pleasure. And for a thrusting penis, the ring of the anus can be a new and strong sensation to enjoy.

What do I need to have anal sex?
The most important pieces of advice anyone can give on anal sex are: lubricants, condoms, and patience. The most commonly available lubricant is KY-Jelly, a greaseless, odorless substance available at most drug stores. Better lubricants include Astroglide, ID, Wet, or ForePlay, some of which are available at better drug stores, and most of which are available in some form at adult toy stores. Do not buy anything that is oil-based. Make sure the lubricant you buy is rated “condom compatible.” Nothing else will do. Oil- based lubricants such as vaseline or baby oil will destroy a condom long before you’re done having sex. And many oil-based sub- stances will coat the lining of the rectum, providing a haven for many potential infections.

Do I have to use a condom… ?
Even if you’re sure that both you and your partner are disease- free, you should still use a condom. The rectum is home to lots of infectious bacteria that can cause burning and urethritis of the penis. It will also help you clean up afterwards.

I‘m worried that anal sex will be messy.
Anal sex should not be messy. Most first-timers fear that it will be, but most people can tell when they have to go. A condom will help with cleanup, of course, and if you’re really concerned, a commercial enema, like Fleet, will help beforehand.

How do we prepare for anal sex?
Patience is the third and final thing you need to make anal sex possible. Initial penetration is always the most difficult part of anal sex– the anus is a tight ring of flesh at the opening of the rectum designed to control the elimination of bodily waste. It is partially under voluntary control, and partially reflexive to stimulation. Your partner has to relax, and you have to go slow to coax it into opening enough to receive your penis/dildo.

Start with a well-lubricated finger or a slim dildo. The dildo is more realistic, but fingers can flex and feel what they’re doing inside your partner. Slide one finger in slowly, letting your partner adjust to it. Take your finger all the way out, then push it back in again. Give your partner’s anus time to get used to this kind of activity. Then slide a second finger in. Consider how big your penis/dildo is and realize that two fingers is probably enough.

What position should we use for anal sex?
For actual intercourse, picking a position can be important. Many want to be on top, to regulate how fast penetration occurs. Other like to lie on their stomachs, or crouch doggy-style, or to be penetrated while lying on their sides. Choose what’s best before you start. As always, control yourself. Take your time and use lots of lubricant. People who like anal sex say that “too much lube is almost enough.” Listen to your partner– if he/she tells you it starts to hurt, back off. Eventually, a time will come during your lovemaking where their anus will relax enough to allow the head of your cock/dildo to ‘pop’ in. If the anus is completely relaxed, that pop should feel completely painless. Now just because you’re inside is no reason to start pounding away like mad. Let your partner adjust. Take your time. Eventually you will both be ready for more.

Can a pregnancy result from anal sex?
It is not technically possible to get pregnant from anal sex; there is no way for semen to get from the rectal tract to the vaginal tract. However, anal sex is still not a very good method of birth control. Semen leaking from the anus after intercourse may drip across the perineum (the short stretch of skin separating vulva and anus) and cause what is known as a ‘splash’ conception. The failure rate for this is surprisingly high! 8% of couples of who use anal sex as a method of birth control have babies each year. 

What if I don’t like it?
You may find that anal sex just isn’t for you. That’s fine. Nothing says that you have to indulge in something that doesn’t make you feel good.


Aftercare is affectionate care and attention following any type of traumatic or mentally challenging event.

D/s relationships are engaged with a passion and intensity that are often so strong that they can strip away at the barriers and defenses that we normally use to protect ourselves from exactly those extremes. To ‘feel’ that intensity means that we are not ‘as safe’. To some extent we have stepped across our own thresholds of security and exposed some or all parts of our inner selves to the scrutiny and possible damage of others.

Scening can or may be seen as a compromise between what the submissive is seeking or desiring and how close to achieving those desires the Dominant’s own fears will allow them to go. This is a stretching in ‘both’ directions. Both the Dominant and the submissive often venture into areas they have never gone before. These areas can test their inner strength and resolve, their will and compassion. To retain ‘personal integrity’ or a belief in ourselves we have to stay within the ‘codes’ that we live by and believe in. In learning about ourselves we often test these codes to see if they are indeed ‘our’ codes or codes we have simply adopted by rote at some point along the way.

The road to ’emerging’ as a Dominant or submissive is filled with these kinds of moral and ethical choices and the contradictions and apparent paradoxes that they present. Reconciling these contradictions and forming ‘true’ choices of who we are and what lines are inviolate within the self is a process that takes years and perhaps the entirety of our lives to discover fully.

When we ‘expose’ ourselves to another human being there is an expressed obligation by both people to refrain from injury or damage, offer solace, nurturing and care until that sense of exposure recedes. We call this period of time ‘aftercare’. Most often we associate this term with the time frame immediately following a ‘scene’. However, this term is equally applicable at many other points and times and many times is not associated with BDSM or D/s at all. Essentially it is an ‘understood’ promise that should exist prior to anyone agreeing to engage in any type of relationship. Often it is overlooked or ignored as an ‘incidental’. The concentration or focus of many people appears to be on the action ‘events’ such as any and all forms of BDSM or sexual interaction that may and in many cases will occur as part of the relationship. Minimizing the importance of aftercare is a mistake. Aftercare is a period of necessary ‘recovery’. This is a fundamental recovery of the self into a form competent and ‘safe’ to independently interact with other people.

Some aspects of BDSM trigger responses much like intoxication. The ability of the brain to rationalize or make important or serious decisions may be seriously impaired for a substantial period of time after an event or scene. Scening can and sometimes does summon up long hidden memories, feelings, emotions and traumas that the individual has kept safe behind the barrier wall or mental defense system that during a scene may suddenly no longer exist. We maintain these walls through diverting a portion of our mental energy to them at all times. In periods of low stress this constant trickle of energy is negligible. In periods of high mental activity the brain diverts energy toward activities which take precedence. Managing a BDSM scene will often become an activity of such precedencial choice. When this occurs the brain is no longer sustaining the wall and it may simply vanish, exposing what is behind it.

We maintain personal barriers and walls of defense to protect ourselves from things we know but perhaps have serious trouble dealing with. An example of this would be an automobile accident. Some portion of the brain does ‘know’ and fully experienced all that occurred during the accident or ‘event’. The extremes of the experience may be so great that a self protective determining factor inside the brain decides that it is ‘unhealthy’ for the cognizant areas of the brain to experience this event through memory loops over and over again. At that point this determining factor selectively places this event in a ‘safe area’ or behind one of the brains natural mental barriers or walls.

Should one of these ‘events’ become exposed then the individual may re-experience the event. It is vital to remember that these hidden events were considered to be potentially damaging when the real event occurred so much so that the brain took active steps to protect the individual from them. Supporting and assuring the person who has re-experienced one of these events that they are ‘safe’ is profoundly important. The new ‘information’ may be of a nature that they do have great difficulty coping with it and in some cases they may need good professional assistance from a qualified therapist.

Normal aftercare occurring without such an exposure is often the simple nurturing of one human to another. The support and protection of and from revealed intimacies and aiding and assisting in rebuilding the former protective walls, barriers or defenses. These protective mental measures appear to rebuild naturally as a simple part of how the brain functions and manages over a period of time. That time frame will vary with the individual and with the intensity of the experience itself. Aftercare in its most simple form is just being there with your partner for a sufficient time period that they feel safe and no longer feel the need to cling to you. It is equally important to recognize that aftercare is for both the Dominant and the submissive. If either person leaves too soon then
their partner may feel abandonment or loss far exceeding the apparent parameters of the interaction.

It is also important to recognize that aftercare may be a serious factor when a relationship ends and especially when that ending is through the choice of one person and not the other. To some extent it remains the obligation of the person who makes that choice to extend aftercare support in a form agreeable to the person who has not made that choice until they have reached a point where they feel emotionally less devastated or more able to cope with the changed aspects of their life. In these days of acrimonious breakups it is common to act without dignity or respect for yourself and for the person whom you have engaged in a serious relationship with. This type of attack damages everyone involved and is seldom decent but most often reflects cowardly and selfish actions.

All Rights Reserved By Mistress Steel


 On Presenting


Recently several people have posted to the lists in regards to teaching their skills to the community at large. In the two main cases the results were disastrous. As someone who in the past has presented locally, and at current teaches at several of the larger national events, I’d like to offer a little bit of insight and advice based on my own experiences.

When I first moved here, I came from the NYC, NJ and Philadelphia, scenes. There were people, especially in NY and NJ who had so much experience it would never have had occurred to me to ever present. In comparison to them I was just an average joe. My first opportunity came by an unplanned incident…

I came out to a whip demo and class. I thought to myself “Great! I do use whips already, but I can always learn more.” It turned out that the presenters whips were broken, and as I was one of the only others who came with whips, I was asked to help with the demo portion. As I did some of the demo, people asked me questions, and I did my best to answer them. I think the presenter was getting a little ticked because people started asking me more stuff than they were asking him.

From there sometimes I was asked to present things locally, as I went to events, people saw my skills and were curious about them. At several points after I had done a class or two, I would invite small groups that I knew and trusted to my house to learn from me. I would post an event, and those who were interested came. (in fairness I actually had to turn people away, because I lacked the room for them). After a while I was regularly asked to teach to many of the local groups, different topics that I was skilled in, etc.

For those who aspire to teach locally, I do recommend a few steps that will help you greatly.

1) Get involved with your local groups.

People nowadays entering the lifestyle are taught in BDSM to be paranoid. As such, they will question anyone who they don’t know or comes without a chockfull of quality recommendations. If JW says “Hello, I’m Jay Wiseman and I approve of what this person has to say” will pretty much guarantee you can teach whatever you want. Otherwise get to know the people in your local group, it will make them more comfortable with you, and once they are the word will spread, and you will find others more interested in knowing who you are and what you have to say.

2) Demonstrate the skills you want to teach.

Many people have commented about certifications. The truth is there is no BDSM degree from Harvard, and even if there were, it would be bullshit because there are so many varied paths to BDSM. It is helpful to have mentored from prestigious individuals but even then that says nothing for your ability to teach. At least if you can demonstrate that you can perform the activity well, you will be much more easily accepted as an authority (though not THE authority) in said activity. The more you can be seen dong your skill, safely, confidently, and to rave reviews to those who have had it performed on them, the less you will have to rely on the credentials of others. Instead you will stand based on the true merit of your own skill.

3) Let them approach you.

This seems to be the tough one for a lot of people. There seems to be this need to show off an individual’s skill by teaching them to others. This is worsened when steps one and two have not been done. I think there is also another point that needs to be made. It can only be answered honestly by the individual who wants to teach. That question is “Why do I want to teach this?” If you have not been active with a group, or you immediately want to each any skill but even more so with an edgeplay skill, it says, “Look at me!!! I am so awesome, and this is why you should respect me!!!” It becomes an attempt by the individual to establish immediate authority and respect within a group in which the individual is not yet a member. Others pick up on that mighty fast and become cautious, and very confrontational. In all honesty if that IS your reason, you need to stop right there. If your reason to do it is to get laid more or find more play partners, stop, do not pass go, do not collect $200. You ARE offering to teach for the wrong reasons. If you reasons are to share a skill that you are passionate about, or to offer help to those who don’t know how to do your skill and are interested, then you are doing it for the right reasons. But if you want to share that skill with you local community it is important that you establish yourself as a member of the community, and establish your competence with your skill on its own merits, versus though the recommendation of others, or worse, what is more common, your own recommendation (which is worthless). Note: these are what I said to do in #1 and #2. When they approach you to present on your skill, you won’t have to face the confrontation because people WANT to be taught by you. As you teach more (If you do well) you will find other groups will want to hear about what you have to say. Trust me its a lot easier when others are touting your skill to the other groups.

I could go on about how to do a good presentation, but its very late, and I’m here in RI getting ready to do my own classes here at the Fetish Flea.

Until Next,


The Role of a Mentor

 The Role of a Mentor


For what it’s worth, this is my own opinion of what a mentor should do…and what I have done for quite a few people over the years.-A mentor helps someone define their own goals. This does not mean substituting my goals for theirs. But it might include me offering the benefit of my experience and insight to help them step around common mistakes and follies.

-A mentor helps someone create their own plan on how to best achieve those goals. Again, I do not try to create their plan for them, but rather help them think clearly, plan well, and come up with possible ways to get what they want.

-Once someone has made their attempt(s) at achieving those goals, I am there to listen, debrief, and mostly help them to digest and make sense of whatever new experiences they encountered. We look to find the things they want to build on, those they want to discard, and those that need to get put on the shelf for a future exploration.

-In summation, a mentor should work with someone to improve their skills in self awareness, awareness of the motivations of others, interpersonal relations, good planning, implementation of their plan, good decision making, and developing effective means of reality testing. Not surprisingly, these skills aren’t exclusive to living a kinky lifestyle. They are important skills for living life. Kink is not the answer to all the things that don’t work in your life. If you are dysfunctional in vanilla life, you will probably carry all of your dysfunction into your kink life and probably suffer the same kind of setbacks there as you do in other walks of your existence. A mentor helps you improve the life skills that will serve you in almost everything you do, including kink.

So again, in my opinion…..your opinion my vary…..if a mentor only wants to focus on kink methods and teaching you their definitions of all the jargon, then they are only doing part of their job and they are cheating you out of the very best things they should offer. If a mentor wants to become your practical guide and make you their toy so you can learn? That is not what a mentor should be doing. They would be your play buddy, and should call themselves what they are.

You need to do the very first thing and decide what YOU want a mentor to do for you. If it is being your play partner, then look for that, not a mentor. If it is to find someone to hold your hand a little and impart some of their wisdom and experience as you explore, then you are a good candidate for being mentored. But that mentor has to be right for you, too. Regardless of whether your mentor is a Dom, a sub, or whatever…..if they click with you and you have good mutual respect and good communications, it can really be beneficial. I have mentored just about every kind of person in just about every kind of role identity. I had no agenda other than to help. So it made my goals as a mentor universal to anyone. The incompatibilities I have found with some people were never about conflict of interest …….. just different views on life and kink. Not all mentors fit all people. Your first choice might not be a good one. But making bad choices will usually teach you something so that the next opportunity you have, you will make a better choice.

So, if you can decide where you want to be heading in your kink relationships, a mentor may well be able to help you get there. As with any relationship, it is negotiable and you need to be getting the things you really need from your mentor. So as you look for one, try to find someone who not only preaches the gospel of kink, but also listens to you and understands what you you are trying to say. Look for someone you respect, who treats you with resepct, and you feel that you can really learn to trust. Beyond that, its simply a matter of building on your relationship with your mentor and staying with them if you feel you are gaining something. If not, talk to them. And if it is a bad pairing then graciously back away. If it has just become time for you to fly on your own, tell them you need to back away a bit till you need their assistance again. Any decent mentor will accept that with grace. I know I have, many times. And I have welcomed them back months…….even years later…….when they felt the need to ask my thoughts on something.

All these things are what I consider the role of a mentor……and of course, many more things, too. Best of luck in figuring out your starting point and in finding a mentor to help you launch from there.