Tag Archives: safety

Basics of Flogging

The Basics of Flogging
How to Flog Someone So They’ll Come Back for More


To the novice flogging may look easy, and actually it’s not that difficult, but it does require concentration and physical exertion along with some practice. However, knowledge of some basic guidelines can greatly enhance the learning curve and enrich the experience for both the “top” and the “bottom”. And a beginner would do well to practice on a wall or pillow, focusing on the intended striking point.

Negotiate Before You Start

Before any flogging, the participants should negotiate what is desired and what isn’t, along with what “safe-word” or other indication the “bottom” is to use to slowdown or stop the flogging. Does the “bottom” like stinging or thud sensations? How open is he or she to new experiences? Has this person had much experience with flogging? Novices may think they can take lots of pain, and then be surprised at what a good flogging actually feels like.

In addition, pertinent medical or physical problems should be made known before beginning.

Flogging The Back

The basic area to flog is the upper back on each side of the spine. Try to stay off the spine to prevent injury to the vertebrae and related tissues, and the skinnier the person is the more important this is. Also avoid swinging the tails down the back onto the hips or upper butt, or else this may cause a different kind of pain that is undesirable. Rather than a full swinging motion (this isn’t golf) that carries the tails down the back, stop the flogger immediately after it hits or even pull it backwards in a snapping motion right before it hits. By varying this motion you can control how much of the tails connect with the back; more will cause greater thud while hitting with just the tips will be stingier.


Generally speaking, avoid unintentional ”wrapping,” which is when the tips of the tails wrap around a curved part of the body such as the shoulders, torso, butt or legs. In wrapping the tips accelerate tremendously and the resulting excessive force at the tips almost always causes an undesirable increase in pain. One difficulty in avoiding wrapping is that the tips can fly so fast that you may have trouble seeing them–a person sometimes has to estimate where the tails are hitting, especially in darker environments. In addition, when throwing a flogger people often have a tendency to lunge forward, which can cause wrapping if it’s not compensated for. On rare occasions a bottom may desire wrapping, but then this should be done by mutual agreement and with care to not overdo it.

Other Targets

Other targets: the butt is very inviting, yet because of its smaller size and roundness it requires greater accuracy to avoid excessive wrapping onto the hips or into the especially sensitive “inner” areas; also avoid hitting the tailbone. When flogged well, though, the butt can be very rewarding. The thighs can be flogged but should be done with extra attention to the power in wrapping. Female breasts should be flogged relatively lightly to avoid later medical problems, and this may be more important if they are flogged often; males can usually safely take more in this area. Generally other parts of the body, especially the kidney area, shouldn’t be flogged except maybe with very light, miniature floggers. Stay away from all joints of the legs and arms, and the head and neck should never be flogged.

Also be aware that there is a big difference in flogging someone in the standing position versus lying down.

Warm Up & Timing

Start with softer blows and work up gradually to harder ones–this way the bottom will be able to take more as well as get more out of the session. Similarly, if you have more than one flogger, use the lighter one before going to the heavier one. In addition, varying the pace and alternating heavier blows with softer ones (or using just the tips), can make the difference between a good flogging and a great one.

During a flogging the top also needs to be sensitive to the nuances of how the bottom is handling the experience and when to vary the strokes. And after the bottom has recuperated from the flogging, the top can learn valuable information by obtaining the bottom’s perspective on what it was like.

Thud vs Sting

The top should understand that softer/heavier tails will generally cause thud, while harder or narrower tails will cause more sting–rubber or braided leather tails are usually the most stingy. And these differences are best understood by experiencing them on one’s own skin. A flogger also needs to be thrown fast enough so the tails don’t fly apart and land inaccurately–because of this it’s very difficult to use a heavier flogger in place of a lighter one to achieve the blows that a lighter flogger would deliver. This is why people often have more than one flogger.

Health & Safety

Occasionally during a flogging a small amount of blood may appear on the skin as a result of a blemish being broken open. How blood and other body fluids on a flogger should be dealt with is controversial; disinfectants and leather conditioners can alter the leather and having different floggers for every bottom isn’t practical.

First of all, have band-aids available and apply one as soon as any break in the skin is noticed. If any blood or body secretions have gotten on the tails, they should be wiped with a dry cloth while wearing a glove (there shouldn’t be much!). Then before using the flogger on another person it should be hung to air-dry in a warm, dry place for two weeks–the drying action will kill the AIDS and hepatitis viruses. Some would suggest cleaning the tails with a cloth moistened with a fresh solution of bleach mixed 1 part to 10 parts water and then waiting 10 minutes before using the flogger on someone else. A few may suggest both the bleach solution and then drying for two weeks, but this may be more than is needed. On the other hand, we are talking about AIDS and hepatitis.

The best approach is to avoid getting blood and other body fluids on your floggers. However, the flogging action will tend to wipe blood away and make a tiny skin break difficult to see. Therefore checking a bottom’s skin after a flogging for signs that any blood may have gotten on the flogger would be wise. A few would even say that the same flogger should never be used on more than one person per day, but that is not actually a sufficient length of time to be safe from hepatitis. Others say that the risk of catching AIDS or hepatitis from floggers is very minimal, yet this would be almost impossible to verify with certainty.

The Last Word

Finally though, always remember: If someone is trusting you enough to let you flog them, you owe it to him or her to be sensitive and careful; and secondly, flogging is ultimately supposed to be gratifying to both parties.

Gags and Urban Legends

An entire book could be written about gags and mouth stuff.  BDSM and the mouth is not just about gags and even if it was, there is so much to write about – and do with gags. Much photographed, hardly ever used properly and to their full potential and surrounded by thousands of urban legends.

Ruling out some persistent urban legends and misunderstanding is probably the best thing to do first, so, here goes:


The average gag you can buy in a shop is too big for effective use. This is especially true for almost all penis-shaped gags.

They have been designed by people with no experience in power exchange, usually only made to appeal to certain fantasies and create sales. So, whatever you do when you go out to buy a gag: buy a small one.

A gag that is too big will be too uncomfortable to keep in for any length of time (and usually that is exactly what you WANT a gag to be used for), because it will create cramps in the jaw muscles and a gagging effect if it is too long. There is no need for the gag to go in any deeper than halfway down the tongue.

Gags and Breathing

Inflatable gags and some very large penis shaped dildo gags excluded, gags – as in “things put in your mouth” – will not interfere with your (sub’s) ability to breath. There’ll almost always be room enough to let a sufficient amount of air flow around the gag. And – unless she has a cold – she can breath through the nose as well. The fear of not being able to breath is largely psychological and – although not very rational – something that most slaves will have to learn to overcome.

What does limit the ability to breath are attempts to try and swallow the saliva. And these attempts are largely futile, which is the main objective of a stick-in-gag. As soon as the slave lets the saliva just drip out of her mouth – yes humiliating, but again, that is one the main objectives – there is enough room and freedom for the air to move in. Kind of cruel, isn’t it. But then, cruel choices is what BDSM is all about.

Choking is another gag related problem and it’s origin usually is – again – the saliva problem, in combination with fear (of being unable to breath). If gags are something new to you, ask your dom to train you. It is really not as bad as it seems, but you may have to get used to it and that may indeed take a while.

Gags and Silence

It is impossible to fully silence a submissive – or anyone else for that matter – with a gag, regardless the type. Once you stuff the mouth to the point where making noises is entirely impossible, the victim has probably died or very likely will very soon.

In the BDSM-situation the objective of the gag is to humiliate, both through creating the saliva problem as well as through the fact that any more or less coherent speech is impossible and reduced to funny sounds.

The third main objective is to remind the submissive in a physical way that she is not supposed to talk.

Some types of gags may serve other purposes as well, such as to bite in (to help fight or cope with the pain), steer (in pony play) or train (for oral sex).

Finally, a gag very frequently serves as a pacifier in the same way it does for babies. Being able (or being allowed) to suck on something can be comforting.

A gag is a gag, who cares?

Most certainly not! There are many different types of gags – we’ll talk about most of them in this section – and most of them serve different purposes. The fact that most people think a gag is just a silencer is what leads to many misunderstandings – as well as a lot of opposition, especially by submissives.

Gags are a very powerful instrument, when used in the correct way and for the right purpose, both from a psychological point of view (usually their main purpose) as well as from a purely physical and practical point of view.

For example, many people think that using a gag will help prevent complaints from neighbors. Guess what, very likely exactly the opposite will happen. Want to know why? Well, spend an evening doing nothing but watching abduction movies and television series. If there is one distinctive sounds (no matter how faint) the average TV-watcher has gotten used you (psychologically grinded in) it is the faint sounds of a gagged woman, especially hearing it through walls, from behind bushes or from the trunk of a car. You won’t believe how many even wake up when they hear a sound that “sounds like” a gagged woman and call 911 or the police. A gag can be useful to suppress outcries of pain provided the sub has been taught to BITE in it to fight the pain instead of shouting, which is another energy burst, a way to fight the pain. The gag doesn’t muffle the cries – the gag is supposed to be an alternative for shrieking and crying.

Dangerous Gags 

One of the problems with television series and movies is that it makes some things seem harmless and hardly dangerous. Gags are close to the number one position in that area and every year especially children die, because their playmate – when playing cops and robbers – thought a gag wouldn’t do any harm. And it is not just children. In the – unlikely and rare by the way – event a person dies during a BDSM scene it will almost always be either the result of breath play (strangulation) or the result of a dangerous gag.

The most dangerous toy, in the hands of someone inexperienced, is a role of duct tape. Depending on the type this may indeed make breathing through the mouth entirely impossible and all you need is a simple nose blockage of some kind for the sub to die!! If you use duct tape, at least punch a few holes in it.

Another dangerous way of gagging is to put cloths into someone’s mouth. This will obstruct all air channels, including the back of the nasal inlets. Cloths kills! Especially when used in combination with duct tape.

Finally, another type that does not belong in the hands of inexperienced people (in all honesty, experienced people are of the opinion they should not be sold at all) are inflatable gags – rubber balls or balloons that can be pumped to size. They will almost always be pumped to a size that is dangerous. The balloon fills the entire mouth and blocks all airways. To make things worse, they will usually form part of some sort of mask or leather harness or belt, making it impossible for the submissive to even try and push them out far enough to be able to breath in the event of an emergency.

Furthermore, such inflatables may very well make it impossible for the saliva to go anywhere else BUT the lungs. Meaning the slave will choke on her own saliva and die!

As always, we have no intention to scare you away from gags, but you should be aware of the health risks and dangers to be able to make the right choices. And THEN gags – and other forms of mouth related torture and teasing – can be a lot of fun.


Regardless what type of gag you use, you should be aware of a few important things:

1. Never leave the sub out of sight and preferably be in a position where either the dom or someone else – if that is an option – can monitor the facial expression of the sub on a more or less constant basis (which is one reason why having mirrors in your dungeon can be very handy). The first signs of lack of air are the eyes widening (“popping out”), lips turning bueish and the facial skin turning either red or pale. Unexpected heavy sweating – on the forehead – is another warning signal. Inability to breath is mostly a matter of panic. It should be dealt with. Always remove the gag instantly, because you should respond to panic seriously, regardless if there is a logical reason for it or not.

2. Make sure there is some sort of non-verbal warning signal or safe word. Humming SOS in Morse code (three short – three long – three short) is one way, but not
always handy. A bell to ring is the most efficient safety tool. An old and not always practical advice is to give the sub a ball in her hand, she can drop if she feels she is in trouble. That signal may be too subtle and may be overlooked easily. If she has to drop something, let her drop something that makes noise when it falls, so you
have a double warning signal!!

3. Make sure – whatever the restraint, bondage or position is – a gagged sub can always tilt her head sideways (when laying down) or bow it (when the head is in a more or less upright position) so she can expel excess saliva. This is humiliating, but always a better choice than choking. 4. Never gag anyone suffering from heart or lung related diseases, regular hyperventilation or claustrophobia, someone who is on heavy medication or psycho drugs or suffers from diabetes or seizures.

Adapted from Amsterdam News Desk/Powerotics

Clothespins, Clips and Clamps

By STella

I want to stress a few dangers of playing with clothespins and clamps.

First, used on the scrotum and labia, or any where else for that matter, but especially there, make sure you are not getting any of the delicate structures in these areas actually IN the clamp. This can cause a lot more than you are bargaining for. Both in pain and nerve or tissue damage.

Secondly, don’t leave these on too long. The whole point is that they cut off the circulation. Thus, they hurt more coming off than while they are on. However, if you cut off the circulation for too long, you get tissue damage. This is NOT good. I recommend no longer than twenty minutes maximum, and less than that if you are using strong clips. Thirdly, some tissue was not designed for exceptionally rough treatment like zippers and heavy weights. Please be careful around the genital area on both sexes. It is easily possible to tear the labia and genital tissue in these areas. As always, it’s your decision as to how you play, but emergency rooms are not my idea of enjoyable play spaces.

Wood versus plastic:

Wooden clothespins are a bit kinder and have less tendency to abrade, thus I would suggest starting with them. Plastic clothespins tend to have much smaller ribbed gripping surfaces, and a ‘feel’ much stronger than the equivalent wooden ones. Extremely small plastic clothespins are very nasty indeed, and many may be used in the same area for greater intensity.

Wooden clothespins are available in several qualities, with the older, thicker ones being a bit better IMHO, and the thin ones more likely to splinter or have sharp edges. As one may purchase 50 of these for perhaps $4 American, these rank among least expensive of toys, and among the most versatile. Almost anything one may do with fingertip squeezing may be done with clothespins, and several things that cannot be accomplished with one’s fingers may easily be done with these tiny household beauties. Of course, this does leave your hands free for other activities….

Clamping Tightness [“too hard!”, “too soft!”, “just right!”]:

Unmodified, most wooden clothespins of quality grip with between 4 and 6 pounds of pressure over an area of 3/16 X 1/2 inches. This is too much for some, and not enough for others. The grip is best increased by wrapping the clamping end with elastic bands, and decreased in several ways. The simplest is by weakening the springs by clamping something that requires the clothespin to be open to its limit for several days. This will reduce the clamping pressure by several pounds, dependent on the initial strength of the spring, the width of the opening, and the length of time one allows for stretching. Carefully pulling the jaws wider than they would normally travel will stretch the spring quickly, but this is harder to control. Wrapping elastic bands around the legs of the clothespin will resist the tension of the spring and weaken the clamping force without permanently weakening the spring.

If you are willing to spend a bit more time, drill straight through both legs of the clothespin legs about one third from the end and thread a bolt through the holes, tightening a wing nut on the bolt will allow for wonderfully precise changes in clamping pressure, since the bolt-nut combination adjustably limits the travel of the legs. It is often best to drill a larger hole or even a slot in one leg for ease of adjustment. This requires perhaps 2 minutes per clothespin and is well worth the time, as the pressure may be slowly increased as hir ability to enjoy the sensation improves. Weights may be hung off of the clothespin as well by hooks or cords attached to such holes and hardware.

‘Standard’ Techniques [suggestions for beginning and advancing]:

One classical place to begin with clothespins is the nipple, but there are many possible variations to this alone. The first grip recommended most often is with the clothespin pointing straight onto the nipple, not from the side, gripping the base of the nipple, not the tip, and perhaps a bit of areola as well. This does not have the same sort of ‘bite’ as grasping the nipple alone may, and often does wonderful things for sensitivity without causing severe pain. It is best to start with a rather weak clamping pressure and work upwards, and if you are just beginning, try not to leave the pins on for too long [start with what sie can endure, and eventually work up to perhaps twenty minutes [I prefer not to leave them on longer than this, YMMV]. The longer the clamping time, the more fierce the sensation caused by removing the pressure. The increased sensitivity afterwards may last from minutes to many hours, depending on the person, the clamping force and time; and several things might be done in this period to use that sensitivity to advantage [beating with the proverbial ‘wet noodle’ or even a featherduster is quite effective]. Ice applied immediately after removing the clothespin may reduce the length and severity of the sensation if that is desired.

You might try putting the clothespin on sideways, with the nipple centered in the the hole in the clamping area. If you do this far enough back on the nipple base or areola, the tip of a large nipple will remain exposed for other things, such as ice, nibbling, or smaller clips and clamps.

You might try clamping the nipple only, or work gradually out from the areola as hir ability to enjoy more increases. Tapping or lightly brushing the tips of attached clothespins is effective, and a light vibrator may also be used if taped to the legs of the clothespin.

One simple device works nicely for both nipples at once on all but the smallest female breasts. Take two clothespins and glue the outsides of the legs together with a slight overlap so then use the clamping ends to grasp both nipples from the sides at once. The pull will vary depending on breast size, but some will be present, thus causing her to jiggle her breasts gently can be fun, and of course, this is often just the thing to add to tickling. Size differences may require an additional short piece of wood to link the pair together, length best found by experiment.

Several people have mentioned pulling on clothespins or clips with strings, chains or cords. The nipple itself may also be encircled by a thin cord or thread, I have used unwaxed dental floss to good effect. Avoid slipknots for the obvious reason that they might tighten too far in use.

Pulling off a clothespin is more painful than squeezing the legs to remove it gently, and is the basis for several devices below. Again, the longer one leaves them attached, the stronger the result. It is also possible to flick off clothespins with a flogger or some other striking device, and combining the two is an interesting way to add some bright ‘explosions’ to the sensations of a ‘standard’ flogging without switching instruments or striking harder. When doing this near the front of the body, some form of eye protection is needed, a heavy blindfold will serve nicely.

Other places you might wish to try:

Many areas of the body might do well with a bit of clamping either for sensation or visual appeal. Other parts of the breast, and any portion of the torso and limbs where one may gather a bit of skin come immediately to mind. In view of the tiny expense, one might use many dozens at one time.

Specific classic variations include but are not limited to:

  • a row, circle [or other sigil of your choice] on the belly or back
  • one or more on the labia or other areas of ‘wabbliebits’ [tm-STella] 
  • the inner thigh or arm 
  • a belt of clothespins round the waist 
  • small clothespins on the webbing of fingers and toes
  • the earlobe [the dangling legs of the clothspin brush the neck nicely] 
  • behind the knees and inside the elbows 
  • a circle round the thighs as a reminder to keep them spread 

‘Zippers’ and other tailoring:

Drill a hole through one leg of at least one dozen clothespins, thread them on a thong or cord, knotting them at small intervals, and you have created a zipper. One derivation for the name will become obvious the first time one tugs swiftly on one end of the cord and hears the sound made by the pins pulling off sensitive skin [there may be other sounds as well]. The spacing may vary, longer ones may be made, and double rows of 20 or so clothespins are common. The inside of the upper arm or thigh are rather traditional for these, but most areas of the body are available, one of my own favorites being the side of the body normally covered by the arms, after binding the arms over the head. Ticklish and sensitive.

A ‘tri-zipper’ is my own name for three of these single zippers with one end of each fastened to a central ring [a keyring will do, but try to find something a bit larger]. The ring is centered high on the belly, with the farthest pins attaching to the nipples and ‘wabbliebits’ [tm-STella], perhaps with a bit of spiral towards the center of each region, and the nearest ones fastening to the skin near the center. The look of horrified anticipation as you grasp the ring and begin to pull slowly outwards, each pin popping off in turn as the three zipper lines move towards the most sensitive areas is not to be missed, while pulling faster often causes volumes of coloratura shrieking.

Another design I have not seen elsewhere I have dubbed the Reverse Garter, ‘reverse’ in the sense of pulling down rather than up. Two bands of non-stretch material [webbing, fabric or leather will do] with buckles or other adjustable fasteners are put high up around each thigh, perhaps five inches from the pubis, although this dimension will vary. Sewn or riveted onto the band is a close [almost touching] row of four clothespins on the inside of the leg, with the clamping ends pointing upwards. These are first attached to the outer labia, then the band is adjusted to a position to gently stretch the lips and tightened so as not to be pulled further up the thigh. Intriguing in itself, and provides both more pull and an interesting display when she spreads her legs. Delectable. [N.B. There are major sensation differences between the outer lips and more inner tissues, grasping these areas with the same force is likely to cause considerably more pain than anticipated.]

(Aside from Domina, “The inner labia are no place for zippers or other methods that could tear fragile skin. This should also indicate to you that scrotum are not good places to do this, either. I know people who have had torn labia from weights and zippers in this area. I’ve HEARD of people having damaged testicles from rough play in this area. PLEASE use a bit of sense here.”)

Modifying pins for more intense sensations:

The simplest method is increasing the clamping force with one or more elastic bands round the clamping end, but there are several others.

Purchase some short 1/8th inch diameter brads or finish nails, and a drill of the same diameter. Drill three holes through the clamping end of two clothespins. Sand, grind, or file the ends of the brads to a smooth *ROUND* tip then push them through so they protrude into the clamping area while the clothespin is held open 1/8th inch. Use a drop of strong glue to hold the brads in place, and saw off the excess length from the outside of the pins after the glue dries. This is as it might appear when completed.

Exceedingly nasty, as the clamping force now concentrates primarily on three small areas rather than the entire clamping area. Use this carefully, preferably with a fully adjustable clothespin as above, and make quite sure by testing on yourself first that the ends of the brads are NOT SHARP at all to avoid damage. Useful for those seeking more than a ‘regular’ clothespin may provide.

Several less extreme variations on the idea above are possible, all based on disassembling the clothespin, filing several grooves in the wooden clamping area, then reassembling the clothespin. Grooves and blunt ‘teeth’ aid in preventing slippage, and feel a bit more harsh than flat wood.

Removing perhaps one-half of the side of the clamping area with a saw or rasp provides two benefits, the same clamping pressure will be applied over a smaller area, and double the number of clothespin tips may fitted to the same bit of anatomy. Remember to round the edges slightly with sandpaper to avoid splinters or other inadvertent injury. View from above of the clamping end with the side removed.

A design for testing the clamping force of clothespins: Tradition demands testing on the web of one’s hand, this is well and good for impromptu buying and to get a subjective feel for the actual sensation of a new design, but lacks precision and repeatability, qualities dear to the heart of any engineer. Some thinking and a bit of experimentation resulted in the following frame to directly and accurately measure clamping force in clothespins. With minor modifications, it serves to measure certain other sorts of spring-clamp pressure as well. I recognize the source of error from measuring the force at the hole rather than the clamping area, but it is a difference both trivial and consistent, and thus may be ignored for comparative testing.

Select two boards longer than 8 inches, wider than 1 inch, and perhaps 1/4 inch thick, and place them together, lying flat on top of one another. Drill a hole through both 5 inches or so from one end. Put a bolt through this hole, and thread a wingnut on the bolt. Clamp the other end of the boards firmly to a table or bench, slide one leg of the clothespin into the tapered space between the two boards, then tighten the wingnut. This frame will hold the clothespin for testing. Once the pin is held firmly in place, use a thin cord attached to a spring tension scale [I use an ‘anglers scale’, accurate from 1 to 28 pounds, any ‘pulling’ scale with a hook will do], and pull downwards against the clamping area until the clothespin opens. This measurement will vary from the pull necessary to just open the jaws to a higher reading before the jaws reach their limit of travel. As mentioned, the ‘standard’ clothespins I have tested fall somewhere in the region of 4-6 pounds, stretching for several days may yield less than 3 pounds, and manual stretching of the clothespin spring will swiftly reduce the pressure to 1 pounds or less. If one has the time and interest, coding the various strength ranges of tested clothespins for different tastes and applications is possible, either by color or by filing groove patterns in the legs to select by touch. “Twenty of the red ones for a start, I am in an evil mood tonight.

Basic Cock and Ball Torture

So What’s the Thrill?

Obviously the cock is the organ of the male body most effectively wired for pleasurable sensation, and there are huge stretches of the pleasure/pain boundary to be explored in its vicinity. But arguably more important is the psychological angle: for many men, cocks are the center of sexuality and a symbol of sexual potency and when someone helplessly undergoes abuse of his most precious appendage the psychological charge is immense. A site normally associated with indulgent pleasure is being transformed into a vulnerable target for punishment and pain. There are also clear links between CT and interests in sexual control and chastity.

Parts of the Penis and How to be Cruel to Them


A structure of several layers, the core layer being spongy tissues (the corpora cavernosa) that engorge with blood during erection and the arteries that supply them. Within this and a little closer to the underside is the urethra (the duct that carries urine and semen) and around it muscle fiber, nerves and minor blood vessels covered in a loose layer of skin. The shaft is the least sensitivepart of the cock, though the sensitivity of the skin that covers it increases greatly when stretched during erection — appropriately, because an erect cock, being under pressure, is far more fragile than a flaccid cock. The flaccid shaft can be struck with the palm of the hand, knuckles or objects like small ‘cock-whips’, rulers and beaters (though avoid excessive force – see below); squeezed with hands or otherwise pressurized with bindings; scratched and abraded with fingernails and rough-textured objects like stiff brushes; subjected to extremes of hot and cold (temperature play); pinched on the surface skin with fingers or clothespins and clamps. When erect similar treatments could be applied but much more gently. In both cases avoid too much pressure on the underside, where the urethra is closest to the surface.


The fold of skin that covers the glans when flaccid and should roll back to expose it on erection is basically skin with nerves and blood vessels, and a little more sensitive than the shaft, particularly on the inside. Even when it has been removed by circumcision, a remnant usually remains, particularly of the frenum, a web-like structure that attaches it under the glans and can be a very sensitive site for pinching and pegs. The foreskin as a whole can be squeezed, stretched and twisted fairly firmly to no real ill effect.

Glans (head)

Primarily spongy tissue (the corpus spongiosum, erectile but less so than the shaft) covered in a thin, tight and highly sensitive skin layer. The most sensitive part of the dick, even more so in many circumcised men, and particularly so at the ridge at its base, the corona. Little effort is needed to produce results, and some men find even gentle stroking difficult to bear. Can be struck like the shaft, squeezed, pinched, subjected to temperature play, rubbed and abraded and so on. Sometimes a little water-based lubricant helps things along.

Urethral opening or meatus (piss-slit, pisshole)

Often very sensitive and tender, particularly just inside, which in many people is an unexplored territory, and can be carefully teased with fingers or other objects such as cotton buds, lubricated if less discomfort is desired, and also stimulated by pulling and twisting on a healed Prince Albert piercing. However the urethra is sterile inside and any objects to be inserted more than a centimeter (0.5″) or so should be sterile too. See Catheters and Sounds for more details of urethral play, which has its own potential dangers.

Special Techniques

Much enjoyment can be gained by exploiting the cock’s propensity to increase and decrease in size somewhat independently of the conscious control of its owner by various forms of cock bondage. One of the most common pieces of male SM wear is undoubtedly the cock ring, a metal or rubber ring (the latter are usually vacuum cleaner drive belts repackaged by fetish shops at a vast premium) through which first balls (one by one) then cock are slipped when flaccid and which can give a pleasantly constricted feeling when erect.

With some men, unfortunately, the difference in size between tumescense and detumesence is so large that it’s impossible to find a size that stays on all the time but isn’t dangerously tight and uncomfortable on erection. As David Stein recounts: “I once made the mistake of putting on a metal ring at home before going out. At the bar, when I lost my erection in a moment of distraction, the ring came off, slid down the leg of my jeans, hit the floor witha clang, and rolled away.Not the way to make a good impression.” A variation on a ring is a simple cock strap that goes round the same site, often made of leather or neoprene and adjustable to size.

During a scene, the snugness of the bindings could be increased so that erections are deliberately made uncomfortable or painful (there are some hazards to this — see below): with some people this can result in a particularly vicious circle with the discomfort itself exciting further erection. This can be achieved with cords, laces or thongs, for example tightly connecting loops around the glans with loops anchored round the base of cock and balls. A variety of purpose made cock straps is also available for the purpose, such as the ‘anti-erect’. There are obvious links here to chastity techniques.

In addition, cocks are often the focus of specialist techniques including clothespins, electricity, piercing (temporary and permanent), pumping, and waxing.

Health and Safety

Circulation Blockage

This is probably the biggest danger in cock play, as pain may not be a reliable indicator. Tissue that’s deprived of blood eventually stops hurting — which doesn’t mean it’s okay! It may be irreversibly damaged. Any binding is too tight if it cuts into the skin and causes bleeding. Any binding is on too long if it causes the cock or ballsac to become cold or numb, but the third typical sign of circulation problems in limbs that are bound — loss of color — is less reliable in this case. The cock and ball sac normally become engorged with blood during sexual arousal, turning reddish or purplish as a result, and up to a point genital bondage just helps that process along. Circulation could be dangerously impaired by tight bindings before there’s much loss of color.

A better sign of impaired circulation is edema, or visible swelling, of soft tissue in the cock or scrotum below or around a binding. While such swelling isn’t dangerous in itself (it will normally go down on its own after circulation resumes), whenever it occurs the bonds causing it should be loosened or removed as soon as possible in order to prevent damage. Avoid genital bindings that can’t be removed easily even when there’s swelling. Tie with a bow-knot or some other knot that will release easily if you pull on the ends — and be sure to leave the ends long enough to get at. Keep blunt-tipped emergency medical technician’s shears (scissors) available to cut bindings in an emergency. Don’t use a metal cock ring that’s tight when the cock you put it on is soft. It’s going to be a lot tighter when that cock gets hard, and you won’t be able to take it off until the cock softens again — which might be a long wait if the ring has caused severe edema.

To sum up: A good rule of thumb is to loosen tight genital bindings enough to restore full circulation every 20 to 30 minutes even without any signs of a problem. And in no case should anything tighter than a comfortable ring or harness be left in place overnight or throughout an extended scene.

Retrograde ejaculation

If a man is forced to come while tightly bound around the genitals, the semen may be forced back down the urethra and reabsorbed into the body. Deliberate retrograde ejaculation is a practice of Tantric yoga, and although possibly uncomfortable, there doesn’t seem to be any direct medical research on whether it is harmful. Evidence from vasectomies suggests frequent retrograde ejaculations might at worst lower sperm counts or generate antibodies to semen. An isolated incident should be nothing to worry about.

Other problems

Foreskins can be torn, and if circulation in them is cut off for very long, the tissue won’t retract normally and could even die and slough off.

Be gentle with genital piercings: if you rip a ring out, you’ll need medical help to repair the damage and avoid a nasty scar, infection, or worse. If a ring does tear out, use an ice pack and local pressure to stop the bleeding (see the First Aid Manual) until you can get to a doctor.

A fracture, when an erect penis is struck hard and “breaks” with a loud cracking noise, is an unlikely but potentially serious problem, a medical emergency that requires prompt treatment by a physician. As first aid on the way to the hospital, use ice packs to control bleeding. But if you avoid hard blows to a hard cock, you won’t risk the problem in the first place.

Ball Torture (BT)

Ball Torture refers to a range of techniques to cause sensation, discomfort and pain in the male testicles and scrotum. Common examples are squeezing with hands, slapping and beating with hands and other objects, crushing using various vice-like devices and applying pressure with bindings, straps and weights are favorite techniques. Often found in conjunction with cock torture (CT), thus CBT.

So What’s the Thrill?

As most men know, the balls are highly sensitive, particularly to pressure. Most men find handling, stroking and squeezing gently is a pleasurable sensation in itself, and the boundary between strong sensation and outright pain seems particularly malleable here. For many people there is also the thrill that the balls are regarded as probably the most delicate and vulnerable part of the male anatomy and using them in SM games requires great trust and carries a particularly intense charge.


The scrotum is a loose, flexible bag of skin that contains the testicles (the “balls”), two bean-shaped organs of fibrous material covering soft gland tissue in which sperm is produced. Plentiful pressure-sensitive nerves in the testicles account for their extreme sensitivity to blows or squeezing. A ridge on the outside of each testicle, known as the epidymis, extends up to form a lump on top and contains tubules that transfer sperm. Attached to the top, next to the epidymis, is the spermatic cord, an elastic tissue that connects the testicles to the rest of the body and contains the vas deferens, the duct between the epidymis and the penis. Since sperm production requires a lower temperature than the normal body temperature, the testicles usually hang outside the body, but the spermatic cord can draw them up into the body when cold. The scrotum also contains some fluid.

Various implements to use

Hands are the obvious weapons: precisely controllable and always available. Slap (gently), punch (more gently), or flick with fingertips, and carefully squeeze with the fingers. Get the balls in the bottom of the scrotum, then twist the scrotum around above them to prevent them slipping out of your fingers.

Probably the second most popular items are ball bondage toys. Cords, ropes, laces and bandages can all be wrapped in various ways around the balls to stretch the scrotal skin, force balls apart or together and put pressure on individual balls. A classic basic tie is a loop around the base of both cock and balls, a loop around the neck of the scrotum and then a loop between the balls to force them apart. Leather and fetish shops usually have a range of (usually leather, sometimes rubber or neoprene) toys with various arrangements of straps purpose made for ball bondage, for example: Cock and ball straps and dividers anchor the balls in place round the root of the scrotum and cock and pass around the scrotum vertically to separate the balls.

Ball stretchers are straps of various sizes that go around the top of the scrotum horizontally, forcing the balls down into the stretched sac. Alternatives are bandages, ropes or leather thongs which can be gradually wrapped round to increase the pressure. Just a modest strap around the top of the scrotum will have the additional effect of trapping the balls and preventing them slipping out of range. Parachutes are parachute-shaped devices with a hole in the middle for the scrotum to pass through, with the parachute itself resting on top of the balls. Ball weights are then hung from chains below the parachute. Weights can also be hung from arrangements of chain or rope. Be very careful with weights: some men can work up to hanging quite large weights from their balls, but there is some danger to the practice. Weights of 500g-1.5kg (1-3 lbs) should be enough to give sensation and be safe.

As well as weights, light objects that move can be hung from balls. A London top has experimented with dangling a spherical jumping toy from Toys R Us in a string bag attached to ball bindings or parachute. Crushing the balls can be achieved with various clamps or bondage equipment like cling film (saran wrap) or elastic bandages (Ace bandages). DeBlase says he has read “of an American Indian torture that involved soaking a piece of rawhide and then sewing it up to tightly encase a victim’s scrotum. As it dries, it shrinks, increasing pressure”. He also speculates about experimenting with an inflatable blood pressure cuff, and suggests putting gravel inside the elastic bandages to add abrasion to the repertoire of ball techniques.

Toys for beating need to be fairly light and delicate. An ordinary pencil is quite adequate, especially for rapid light strokes on a well-secured ball. Some people use a small, soft cat o’nine tails called a ball whip. One source of hard objects suitable to the task is music shops: try bell-beaters designed for playing hand-held cowbells, or mallets topped with dense rubber balls of the sort used to play glockenspiels and chime bars!

Other specialist techniques could be applied to the balls. See elastrators, electricity, play piercing, shaving.

Health and Safety

The key thing to remember is that levels of tolerance vary enormously. When you’re playing with anyone new, always start out lightly with any kind of stimulation to the balls and increase the intensity gradually. With an established partner or in “self-abuse,” you can safely begin at a higher level and move faster, but you should still be very sensitive to his (or your own) reactions as you go along. Probably the single most important danger signal in this area is intense and often rapidly increasing pain, so the bottom must be able to let the top know unmistakably when he’s had enough. In the vast majority of cases, a bottom whose consciousness is not dulled by alcohol or drugs will have no difficulty in distinguishing between a level of pain that is erotically stimulating and pain that signals real damage.

Probably the most common form of genitorture involves pressure exerted by “ball crushers,” the hands, or weights. While even a heavy, experienced masochist is almost certain to beg for relief well before damage is done through steady pressure alone, if you have any doubt whether you’re injuring him, stop. Ball stretchers aren’t hazardous within reasonable limits, but don’t get impatient and over do it. Begin with a narrow stretcher band and work up to wider ones gradually, carefully monitoring the bottom’s (or your own) acceptance of the increasing pressure. Do not leave the any genital bindings on too long and certainly not overnight – a good rule of thumb is to remove them every 20 or 30 minutes and allow the circulation to return to normal for a while. See the Cock Torture briefing for more on the dangers of circulation blockage in cock and ball play.

Much more potentially hazardous is any bondage in which the balls are tied to something else, such as another part of the body or a hook on wall or floor, and might be yanked by a sudden movement: for instance, if you tie a rope or attach a chain between his ankles and his scrotum so that if he tries to move his legs he pulls on his balls. Don’t combine this kind of bondage with any other strong stimulation that might cause him to yank on his balls involuntarily, in reaction to pain elsewhere, unless he’s otherwise so tightly restrained he cannot move enough to put pressure on them. And never tie someone by the balls to a wall, post, etc. in a standing position without additional support: he could lose his balance or faint and put his whole body-weight on them.

The most common injuries to the balls during genitorture are abrasions (usually from rough-surfaced bindings, such as rawhide or scratchy rope), bruises (usually from slapping or whipping the balls), and tiny cuts (which might happen in any rough play when the scrotum is pulled tight over the balls, or during a shaving), minor injuries best treated with sensible first aid such as cleaning with antiseptic. Bruises generally heal by themselves, though an ice pack can limit swelling. Medical intervention is not usually necessary unless the bruising doesn’t fade normally or you suspect an infection.

More serious is a hematoma, which occurs when an injury ruptures larger, deeper blood vessels and a pool or pocket of blood forms between layers of tissue, such as between the scrotum and the balls. The pocket of blood will generally clot in a short time and form a hard mass. Externally, it will appear as a firm, bulging, or swollen area. A small hematoma will usually be reabsorbed without lasting damage. One that is large or keeps growing (because fresh blood keeps accumulating) can “squeeze” adjacent structures, including nerves and blood vessels, reducing circulation to the area and impairing sensation and other functions. If the pressure of a large hematoma is not relieved, permanent damage can result. Prompt medical attention is indicated.

In men who are predisposed to them, minor injuries to the balls can precipitate subsequent swellings, called hydroceles or spermatoceles, in which fluids other than blood build up in the space around the testicles. They can be corrected at one’s convenience unless they become infected, in which case prompt treatment is required. Another problem to watch out for is an epididymal cyst; this is not typically caused by trauma but if you notice any unexplained swelling or mass in your partner’s scrotum, or your own, do not engage in such play until you know it is harmless or have it corrected. Also, avoid ball bondage entirely with anyone who has a scrotal hernia.

Probably the most serious damage that might occur to the balls during erotic genitorture — which is not to say that it’s likely — is rupture of a testicle. This is when the outer covering of the ball splits and allows the contents to spill out into the scrotal sac. Besides causing extreme pain, often accompanied by nausea, a ruptured testicle will make the scrotum swell rapidly, and internal bleeding will nearly always create a large hematoma. The ballsac will appear black and blue and be massively enlarged. If this happens, go to an emergency room immediately! The most likely causes are suddenly yanking on the balls or hitting them with a heavy, blunt instrument. Symptoms similar to rupture occur in cases of testicular torsion, which is when the spermatic cords and vessels that suspend the testicle within the scrotum become twisted or kinked, interrupting the normal flow of blood, etc. There will be intense pain, and the scrotum will swell rapidly and be extremely tender to the touch. Surgery must be done within six hours of the onset of pain or the testicle will be lost.

Breast Bondage

This little dissertation is meant to be a discussion of the six different types of bondage applied to the female breasts. I will not say that there are not more ways, nor will I say that these basics cannot be embellished upon. These are the basic techniques which a dom/me may use to begin to build upon for their, and their subs amusement, enjoyment, and stimulation.

Why do breast Bondage?

There are several reasons why breast bondage is an important element in the domination of the female. The breasts and nipples are generously provided with an abundance of nerve endings, have no bones to break, and are notoriously resilient to ‘attention’. Coupled with the mental and psychological orientation of the human with the breast as a source of sustenance, the breast is a physical and mental target of great importance.

How is breast bondage developed?

The objects of breast bondage are to enhance the look of the assets for the dom, focus the vision of the sub on the objects being enhanced, and to provide stimulation directly to the breasts to focus the feelings of the bondage recipient on the assets, and their state of submission or stimulation.

Is Breast Bondage for a short time, or for long duration?

Breast bondage can be for an intense short time, or a less intense longer period often lasting hours. The duration of the bondage must be taken into mind when choosing the technique, as well as the material to be used, and the tension, or tightness imposed. Breasts should never become blue, or become numb. Tightness, swelling, and redness are common. Some discomfort can be expected in the early stages of exploration. Remember, different women have different sensitivity to various areas of their breasts. Some have very sensitive nipples and areola, others do not. Similarly the supporting heavy tissue in some is sore, and easily bruised, while others can take a lot of ‘attention’. The dom/me needs to explore each new sub carefully, in the beginning.

Do you do breasts, or just nipples, or both?

There are almost an infinite variety of things you can do with the nipples, and others that deal with the breasts themselves. I will concentrate here on the breasts. Feel free to add clamps, rings, bows, or clothespins after, to your personal taste <grin>.

What kind of materials do I need to do this?

The materials will depend on the effect being sought, the size and flexibility of the breasts, and the technique being used. It is common to use braided ropes of polyester, or cotton, or silk. Also leather thongs , silk ribbon, twine, light wire, or saran wrap are useful in other situations. Finally, in some cases, tensor bandages, or elastic wrap, or light chains are suitable for some, but not all techniques.

How do I choose what type and material to use?

Remember that you are out to accomplish some combination of three things. The look to the dom, of neat, tidy, tight, and good presentation of the naked breast to his/her easy use and access. Second, the visual effect from the subs point of view, where they know they are controlled, and being constrained and presented by their dom/me for some purpose entirely outside of their control. And thirdly, the bondage is designed to provide sensory feedback to the sub to stimulate them either subtly, or intensely, and reinforce the knowledge that they are being prepared for their doms imminent use. Where the bondage is being used as a longer term continued stimulation to get her stimulated and keep her aroused, it is prudent to select something that looks good, and can last for hours, without the need to adjust things for safety purposes.

Can breast bondage be done by the sub herself, alone?

There are a few techniques which can be done by the sub to her own breasts, without help. There are several more complex techniques which require the masters hands to accomplish. It is intriguing for the master to watch her bind herself for her dom/mes pleasure and enjoyment, and to a tension and constriction which the sub feels they can handle.

So what are the Techniques?

Type 1 – Breast Circling/Cinching

This type is suitable for ladies with a C or D cup breast shape. While bending slightly forward, the sub puts her hands behind her back so the dom can work on the breasts one at a time. Using a 1/4 inch or 3/16 inch rope or ribbon, or leather thong, wrap two turns around the base of the breast, and snug up carefully. Use a square knot on other non-slip knot. Run at least two more turns around that breast, and tie off the running end of the thong with an overhand knot. Repeat for the second breast. You can tie the running ends together behind her back to lift and separate the breasts, or use another short length to fasten them close together. If this type of tie is used, and done too tightly, there will be some discomfort, and the need to monitor the color and sensation in the breast, on a regular basis.

Type 2 – Two Rope Cinching

In this type, use one rope of about 1/2 inch diameter, about 20 feet long. Start by putting the rope behind her while she has her arms raised and her hands clasped behind her neck. bring the two loose ends to the front, and make sure they are the same length. Get the sub to lift the breasts, while you cross the two rope ends under the breasts, high up on the ribcage. Pass the ends around her chest and back behind her again. You now have two wraps under breasts. Let the breasts back down, and bring the ropes around, under her armpits, but over her breasts. take the now shorter ends around to the back, and tie them off with square knots, where she cant reach them to untie them.

Next, take a much smaller rope, ribbon, or twine, 1/8 inch, and at the left side of the left breast, take the short rope and place it under the two larger ropes. Tie a square knot, tightly on the two ropes, bringing them together. Now wind and lace the little rope around the two big ropes, in the direction of the nipple. This will draw the two (four actually) bigger ropes together, and tighten the ropes on the breast. Do this on the right side of the right breast, to balance, and cinch on that side. If you are feeling cruel, get another short rope, and tie/cinch the four big ropes at the point between her breasts,… and lace until tight enough to get her attention.

Type 3 – Rope Bra

In this type, you need a 30 foot rope, of about 3/8 or 5/16 diameter, and soft braided type. Like the previous type, run the rope behind her first, and run the first two wraps under her breast, high on the ribcage. On the second wrap, run the ropes between her breasts, and finish above her breasts and under the arms. In the back, knot the two ends together and around the first two wraps. This will put the knot in the middle of the back. Take the running ends over her shoulders, on either side of her neck, and bring them down between her breasts. Tie a knot between her breasts, then take the loose ends around behind her, under the breasts. Run the loose ends around the back and under her armpit, then over her shoulder on the other side of her neck. Do this for both sides. Tie the ends of the ropes off in the middle of the back. The breast will be accentuated and surrounded by the ropes, but no pressure is applied. This can be done to any size or shape breast. You can secure the crossing points of the ropes with small lacing, if the bondage is desired to last for several hours, or if you want to tighten up the tension around her breasts.

Type 4 – Presentation Rope Shelf

In this type you need at least a 1/2 inch rope, braided polyester preferably. You will need about 50 feet, depending on the chest size of the sub.

Start by taking a 12 inch bend of rope at one end. Place it vertically in the center of her back, at her breast level. Run the rope around her once, and place the wrap over the vertical loop, to hold it in place. The wrap is under her breasts, about 3 inches below the breast. Make three more wraps around her chest, getting higher and higher each time. The fourth wrap should be snug under her breasts. Adjust now as necessary.

The second level of three wraps will lie on top of the base four wraps. In the back the vertical loop is still visible, and accessible. The three wraps will be snubbed up just under her breasts. The third level of wraps goes on top of the second, and more snugly under the breasts. The final wrap is brought around to the back, and inserted into the top or the vertical loop, and the dangling end of the loop is pulled to snug the loop against the wraps, and then the dangling end is tied off to the running end, in the middle of the back. The effect is to create a tight shelf of rope, under the breasts to force them out on a shelf, on display, and easy access for floggings, stroking, touching, or other activities. This looks great under a sweater too.<grin>

Type 5 – Japanese Rope Harness

This type is more complex. Take a 50 foot rope., and make a 10 foot bend in one end. 12 inches from the bent end, tie a double overhand knot. make four more knots, one every 16 inches. Take the knotted end and open the first loop, and place the subs head in it. It will be a loose loop sitting on her shoulders. The second knot will probably rest under her breasts, the third on her lower abdomen near her navel, or lower. Have her spread her legs, and bring the loose ends of the ropes between her legs. Bring the loose ends up the middle of her back, and tie the loose end to the rope at the back of her neck. The harness will be relatively loose at this stage , so don’t worry about her not getting enough stimulation,..yet.

You now have one running end with about 30 feet of rope to play with. You are starting from the back at the neck level. Run from there under the arm to tie loosely to the rope above the breast, then back around the back, and attach to the same rope loop, but from the other side. As you tighten the ropes to the sides, the loops will get shorter, and wider, and the tension on the crotch rope will get tighter 🙂

Go from the above breast loop, to the below breast loop, and then from the tummy loop to the back near the buttocks loop. As you adjust the lower loops, and increase the tension, be sure to open her lips, and insert the two ropes securely between her lips. How tight is up to you.

For the breasts, finish off by tightening the chest loops, and cinching up the under and over breast loops. Looks good and gets her attention, etc.

Type 6 – Breast Binder

This type of tie can be uncomfortable, depending on the tension, and type of material.

In this we are essentially squashing the breasts against the chest, to make them smaller, but in doing so, increases the pressure on the breasts. Start with the bandage wrap. saran wrap, or rope UNDER the breast, then wrap around her twice, then start wrapping above the breasts, downwards. Finish as snugly as desired. The tighter done, the more important for close monitoring and attention. Finish off in the back, so she cant get at the knots..

Enjoy, have fun, be careful, and remember to use your imagination.

Bondage Techniques by Dr. Bondage

Like any other sport or hobby, bondage is best practiced with an awareness of safety. If the game is played right, every participant wins!

In all sports, there is the possibility of accidents, so here are some recommended “don’ts” for bondage. Don’t play when you’re not alert. Don’t play when tired or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Don’t try things you aren’t sure about. The front of the neck should never receive pressure of any kind. Don’t leave a bondaged person alone.  Bondage Techniques by Dr. Bondage is a great site!  Here are the links to the various sections.  Please read “Safety” first.



Basic Rope Techniques

Advanced Techniques

Negotiate a Bondage Scene

Rope Marks

BDSM Basic Principles


1) BDSM play should be safe, sane and consensual.

2) Know your SM player(s). Do not have BDSM play with strangers.

3) Always inform a friend that you are having BDSM play: where, when and with whom.  Use safecalls.

4) Always use safewords, i.e., 911 or red (STOP), yellow (slow down) and/or safe gestures (tap foot three times).

5) Negotiate the scene before you start. Communicate your limits, medical conditions, medications, experience and desires.

6) “No limits” is fantasy. Every sane player has limits. Do not be embarrassed to express them to the dominant player(s).

7) Do not engage in BDSM play while intoxicated or under the influence of drugs.

8) Expect the unexpected (fire, power failure, medical emergency, etc.) and be prepared. Another man’s life is in your hands.

9) Always have a first aid kit nearby.

10) Don’t play with a person unless you feel absolutely safe!


1) NEVER let yourself be tied up if you don’t feel absolutely safe.

2) NEVER let a stranger restrain you the first time you play.

3) NEVER tie up a body part so tight that it begins to tingle, feels cold, or “goes to sleep”.

4) No bondage involving the front of the neck.

5) NEVER restrain or gag a person and leave them unattended.

6) Always have safety paramedic scissors nearby.

7) Watch out for rope burns, particularly with coarse rope.

8) Do not gag a person suffering with respiratory ailments .

9) When gagging a person, always have an audible, bodily signal in lieu of a safe word (i.e., stomp feet three times, tap fingers, etc.)


1) Always determine if the masochist has experienced mummification before; claustrophobic tendencies; longest period in bondage and/or hood; and if the masochist has ever experienced panic during a scene. If the masochist is a novice, consider covering the face last.

2) Always determine if the masochist has any medical conditions, particularly allergies, asthma, congestion, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. as well as any alcohol, drug or medication usage within 24 hours of the mummification. If the masochist wears contacts, they should be removed.

3) Be sure to have the following items nearby for the scene: safety scissors for emergency removal of the wrappings; electric fan and ice to keep the body cool; and towels to remove sweat.

4) Monitor the masochist’s body temperature and pulse. Take a baseline pulse before you begin. Use ice and a fan to cool the body if necessary.

5) NEVER leave the mummy unattended.

6) Use a towel or foam splints to place between the legs, arms and torso, or wherever two body parts come into contact.

7) Do not wrap any body part so tightly that it begins to tingle, feels cold or “goes to sleep”. Check the fingers for signs of blueness.

8) When wrapping the chest, be sure the mummy expands the chest cavity, so the wrappings do not constrict breathing. When wrapping the neck, apply the pieces vertically (up and down) to avoid strangulation.

9) Provide cool water (with a straw) often to prevent dehydration.

10) Provide appropriate aftercare for the masochist. If overheated, apply ice.


1) BDSM play should be safe, sane and consensual.

2) Know your paddler or spanker and inquire as to hisor her experience. 

3) Always use safewords, i.e., 911 or red (STOP), yellow (slow down) and/or safe gestures (tap foot three times).

4) Be careful with the force of your stroke. Paddles cause a sharper, more intense pain than a spanking hand.

5) Sharp edges or rough areas on the paddle may break the skin.

6) The narrower the paddle, the less noise it will make and the more likely it is to leave marks.

7) Begin the paddling with a spanking session first to warm up and prepare the bottom for the paddle.

8) Direct the paddle to strike the lower half of the buttocks.

9) The best position when using a heavy paddle is for the bottom to be prone or standing upright with hands braced against the wall and legs spread about shoulder width.

10) When spanking, remove your rings first – they leave marks.

BDSM 101: Basics made simple

 D/S, S/M and B/D are the terms most often used in society today. They are distinctly different in that D/S stands for Dominance and Submission, S/M stands for Sadism and Masochism while B/D stands for Bondage and Discipline. These are three distinctly different life styles.

But remember at all time and in each of the separate lifestyles all actions must be SAFE, SANE AND CONSENSUAL.

The terms are not interchangeable, yet one lifestyle may lead into the other or may overlap another depending upon the limits agreed upon by both consenting parties.

As the relationship continues to grow and expand the limits may be changed by both parties and therefore lead from one lifestyle to the next.

S/M may be and usually is incorporated in both or either of the other two lifestyles in one form or another or may be considered a separate lifestyle on it’s own.

These lifestyles might better be referred to as a form of alternative relationships, each of them being a form of love in which one person controls and the other person surrenders willingly, never forcefully.

First some terminology is necessary:

Dominant one– The controlling person. They may be a Master, a Mistress, a Dom, a Domme, a Goddess, a Lord, a Switch or a Top

submissive one– The one who chooses to be controlled or dominated. They may be a submissive, a slave, a switch or a bottom.

submissive– One who chooses to be submissive but who does not give total control of all aspects of their lives to a Dominant one.

slave- One who have given all aspects of their lives, physically, sexually and mentally to be controlled by a Dominant one and who usually has a contracted relationship.

Dom or Domme– One who is a Dominant one.

Master or Mistress– A Dominant one who has accepted the gift of submission from a submissive one who then has become theirs.

Floating or subbie space– The state where the submissive one relinquishes all control to the Dominant one and simply put, floats on a cloud, thus reaching a state of euphoria.

Switch– One who chooses at different times to be either a Dominant one or a submissive one.

Bottom– One who chooses to be scened or sessioned by a Dominant one but who is not necessarily a submissive one.

Top– One who chooses to scene or session a submissive one but who is not necessarily a Dominant one.

Goddess– Usually a Domme who have been trained under the “Old Guard” and who has earned the right to be worshipped and obeyed and who trains other Dom/mes, Masters, Mistresses, submissives, Switches, Tops, Bottoms and slaves.

Lord– The masculine equivalent of Goddess

Sadist- One who likes to inflict pain upon another.

Masochist-  One who likes to have pain inflicted upon them by another

Limits- These are actions or areas or degrees of pain and/or experiences that are not to be inflicted upon a submissive one.

Safeword- A word or gesture that has been agreed upon between a Dominant one and a submissive one that should it be used by someone during a scene or a session will cause the other person to have an immediate agreed upon response.

boy- A term used for a submissive one which could be for either gender.

girl- A term used for a submissive one which could be either gender.

Dominatrix- A female Dominant one who gets paid for scening or sessioning a submissive one.

Implements-Toys-Accouterments- Anything that is used during a scene or session by a Dominant one on a submissive one.

Although a Dom or Domme can be a Master or Mistress not all are. If the Dom or Domme chooses to accept a submissive one for their own, they then become the Master or Mistress to that one.

The major differences in the two life styles, D/S and B/D, is that of pain and humiliation. In the D/S lifestyle control by use of pain or humiliation rarely occurs. The control is relinquished by the submissive one willingly to the Dominant one. The Dominant one controls by voice and minor punishment. In the B/D scene the punishment is more severe and pain and humiliation is more a part of the ongoing relationship and incorporated in scenes or sessions on a regular basis. Punishment is given for misdeeds or failure to obey, warmth is given for obeying. One must remember this is a game of love, and that love must be shown at all times, even during the act of punishment.

When one speaks of punishment, one must also speak of limits. Limits are agreed upon prior to the start of any part of this lifestyle. These limits must be adhered to by all parties involved. The submissive one submits and trusts the Dominant one that these limits will not be exceeded. They must never  be exceeded under any circumstances, without first discussing them between the two parties and mutually agreeing to remove or extend the limit in question.

Mutual respect and trust is of the utmost importance in these lifestyles. When mutual trust disappears, the parties should re-evaluate the relationship immediately. remember this trust is earned over a long period of time but may be lost in a split second. Seldom when a trust is truly violated can the same degree of trust ever be regained.

Many Master/Mistresses are good teachers and can teach their submissive one on their own. But in many cases a Master/Mistress chooses to have another Dominant one teach their submissive one for them. They may or may not choose to have their submissive one serve that Dominant one in any other capacity than as a scene. Submissive ones may be trained by a Dominant one without already having a Master or Mistress to serve, be chosen by the Dominant one to serve or stay as free a submissive one with no one to serve.

In all cases the Dominant one and the Master/Mistress are responsible for the protection and safety of the submissive one. They must honor and cherish them as much as they are cherished by them. Love and respect reins above all in these relationships.

The use of safe words comes into play at this point. There are usually two safe words that have been agreed upon and understood by both parties. One safe word usually means that the submissive one is being pushed to their limits and when used the Dominant one eases off slightly and takes more time to get the submissive one to the place where they want them to go. The second safe word, when used by submissive one tells the Dominant one that something is wrong and the scene, session or the actions tops immediately and the Dominant one ensures the safety and well being of the submissive one. Under no circumstances can the action continue unless mutually agreed upon. should the action continue without the permission of the submissive one then it is no longer a consensual actions but one of force.

If you are submissive/slave it means that you consent — or choose — to submit. In other words, your submission is a gift that should be respected by whomever you choose as your Dominant. If you are Dominant, you consent to accept that gift and respect the person who offers it. Failure to do so may ultimately cause you to be ostracized from the community. Whatever takes place in a session/scene is the result of a prior careful discussion by both partners of the submissive’s limits. And it DOES mean that the Dominant one MUST always respect those limits.

Everything in these lifestyles should be

Reference books that should be read and reread:

La Laisse Soduire La Maison Du Raison
Different Loving Gloria Brame, G Brame Villard Books
Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns Phillip Miller and Molly Deveon Mystic Rose Books
The Bottoming Book Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt Greenery Press
The Topping Book Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt Greenery Press
The Loving Dominant John Warren Masquerade Books Inc.
Ties That Bind Guy Baldwin Daedalus Pub. Co.
Learning the Ropes Race Bannon Daedalus Pub. Co.
Sensuous Magic Pat Califia Masquerade Books Inc.
Safe Sane Consensual and Fun John Warren Diversified Press
The Ethical Slut Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt Greenery Press
Anal Pleasure and Health Jack Morin MD Down There Press
Leathersex Joseph W. Bean Daedalus Pub. Co.
Bound to be Free Charles Moser Ph.D M.D., JJ MaDeson Continuum Pub. Co.

© 1999 byAll rights reserved. This information is for educational purposes only. This author advises if you wish to engage in any activity mentioned in this article that you do further research and upon engaging in any activity mentioned upon you do so in the presence of an experienced mentor.

Anal Play

Why would anyone want to have anal sex?
For many people, anal sex is the ultimate taboo. Buttfucking makes it sound crude and dirty, sodomy sounds technical. In the 1990’s, anal sex has been given the bad rap because HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, is most easily transmitted by anal intercourse. But some people love anal sex. Others hate it. Others haven’t tried it yet and are curious. And many people are attracted to it precisely because it’s so taboo and mysterious.

What is analingus?
One other part of the body that some people enjoy licking, or having licked, is the anus. The anus has half the nerve endings in the pelvic region and many people find touching it to be sexually arousing.  The anus and rectum carry many diseases that live quite benignly in your lower digestive tract, but which can be harmful in your mouth or stomach. Performing anilingus is a very risky behavior for a variety of bacterial infections. Refer to resources on safer sex techniques for ways to protect yourself if you or your partner enjoys this activity.

Does anal sex hurt?
Anal sex should not hurt. If it hurts, you’re doing it wrong. With enough lubricant and enough patience, it’s entirely possible to enjoy anal sex as a safe and fulfilling part of your sex life. However, some people may never like it, and if your lover is one of those people, respect their limits. Don’t force the idea upon them.

Can anal sex actually give pleasure?
The pleasure of anal sex is derived from many things. Doing something “nasty” appeals to many people, especially about sex. Doing something different to spice up a sex life that has become something of a bore can be part of it. And the physical sensations available during anal sex are uniquely different from anything else. The rectum is lined with nerve endings, some of which signal the brain to ‘reward’ you with good feelings when stimulated. For men, the prostate gland can be a source of powerful pleasure. And for a thrusting penis, the ring of the anus can be a new and strong sensation to enjoy.

What do I need to have anal sex?
The most important pieces of advice anyone can give on anal sex are: lubricants, condoms, and patience. The most commonly available lubricant is KY-Jelly, a greaseless, odorless substance available at most drug stores. Better lubricants include Astroglide, ID, Wet, or ForePlay, some of which are available at better drug stores, and most of which are available in some form at adult toy stores. Do not buy anything that is oil-based. Make sure the lubricant you buy is rated “condom compatible.” Nothing else will do. Oil- based lubricants such as vaseline or baby oil will destroy a condom long before you’re done having sex. And many oil-based sub- stances will coat the lining of the rectum, providing a haven for many potential infections.

Do I have to use a condom… ?
Even if you’re sure that both you and your partner are disease- free, you should still use a condom. The rectum is home to lots of infectious bacteria that can cause burning and urethritis of the penis. It will also help you clean up afterwards.

I‘m worried that anal sex will be messy.
Anal sex should not be messy. Most first-timers fear that it will be, but most people can tell when they have to go. A condom will help with cleanup, of course, and if you’re really concerned, a commercial enema, like Fleet, will help beforehand.

How do we prepare for anal sex?
Patience is the third and final thing you need to make anal sex possible. Initial penetration is always the most difficult part of anal sex– the anus is a tight ring of flesh at the opening of the rectum designed to control the elimination of bodily waste. It is partially under voluntary control, and partially reflexive to stimulation. Your partner has to relax, and you have to go slow to coax it into opening enough to receive your penis/dildo.

Start with a well-lubricated finger or a slim dildo. The dildo is more realistic, but fingers can flex and feel what they’re doing inside your partner. Slide one finger in slowly, letting your partner adjust to it. Take your finger all the way out, then push it back in again. Give your partner’s anus time to get used to this kind of activity. Then slide a second finger in. Consider how big your penis/dildo is and realize that two fingers is probably enough.

What position should we use for anal sex?
For actual intercourse, picking a position can be important. Many want to be on top, to regulate how fast penetration occurs. Other like to lie on their stomachs, or crouch doggy-style, or to be penetrated while lying on their sides. Choose what’s best before you start. As always, control yourself. Take your time and use lots of lubricant. People who like anal sex say that “too much lube is almost enough.” Listen to your partner– if he/she tells you it starts to hurt, back off. Eventually, a time will come during your lovemaking where their anus will relax enough to allow the head of your cock/dildo to ‘pop’ in. If the anus is completely relaxed, that pop should feel completely painless. Now just because you’re inside is no reason to start pounding away like mad. Let your partner adjust. Take your time. Eventually you will both be ready for more.

Can a pregnancy result from anal sex?
It is not technically possible to get pregnant from anal sex; there is no way for semen to get from the rectal tract to the vaginal tract. However, anal sex is still not a very good method of birth control. Semen leaking from the anus after intercourse may drip across the perineum (the short stretch of skin separating vulva and anus) and cause what is known as a ‘splash’ conception. The failure rate for this is surprisingly high! 8% of couples of who use anal sex as a method of birth control have babies each year. 

What if I don’t like it?
You may find that anal sex just isn’t for you. That’s fine. Nothing says that you have to indulge in something that doesn’t make you feel good.

First Contact Safety

These rules may vary, according to what you have to work with, or are able to reveal, or decide to use….but whateveryou do, don’t ignore the basic safety you will require, as a submissive meeting a new dom for the first time. There are people out there who are simply predators, and your new dom may be wonderful, online and the phone, but admit you don’t really know him, and protect yourself until you do.

1) Before you even plan a meeting, be sure you discuss your personal safety with your new dom. Tell him how you feel, and listen to what he says. If he’s really a man who cares for you, he’ll add things to protect you, and agree to anything you wish to do. If he does not, then treat it as a first clue to use caution.

2) Once you plan your meeting, find two people who know you personally: Your name, your address, your phone # and most of all, your background. Make sure they know who you are meeting: HIS name, his address, and his background, as well as any other info about him you might know. Leave them as detailed a plan of your visit as you can foresee, and arrange with them for regular telephone check-ins…and what to do if one of them is not made. Obviously you don’t want the police breaking down a hotel door, while your dom has you tied to the bed, but it might just be that you’ll be glad to see them.

3) Meet with your dom in a public place…somewhere that there are lots of people…and don’t LEAVE that public place until you feel comfortable with the person you are meeting. If you don’t get comfortable right away, be sure you have some sort of alternative plan available, in lieu of going with him. Try to have YOUR car available…or better yet, a large, muscular friend to see you off, and meet your dom with you. 🙂

4) For the first meeting, do not travel to a remote place to get acquainted. Find a comfortable, well-staffed hotel or inn, where there, again, are PEOPLE. Other people are your best defense against injury and if necessary, run to them…even naked. The old cabin in the hills, where he says you can really “be alone”, might sound wonderful, but it is not safe, and should not be considered.

5) Never, never travel away from your planned itinerary with a new dom. You planned that schedule so people could find you…if you leave it, they can’t…and your new dom ought to understand that. Stay where you said you would be, when you set up your security, and resist, to the point of running away, any attempt by your dom to take you away.

6) D/s and playing. It’s normal for you to want very much to please this man who means so much to you…to give him everything he asks for…and delight in the pleasure he enjoys. But like everything else you do, for the first time, you have to protect yourself…and as exciting as a caning might sound, while tied and gagged…once you start, remember that stopping him is going to be a problem. Use safe words…there’s nothing to be ashamed of, in doing so, and if you need them, you WILL need them. Resist any sort of neck or throat bondage. Resist any sort of oxygen deprivation play these are dangerous kinds of play, and require enormous care…and you don’t know your dom, yet. Sex itself…well, AIDS is around, but it’s silly to try and convince two people in your situation to refrain, so use a condom. Insist on it, in fact, and don’t give in.

7) This is from me, to all of you. You are submissives, and there is nothing I’ve found in my world which is more wonderful. You are all special…and we can’t afford to lose you, cause there aren’t enough to go around, now…so please, take care of yourself. When you do come back, show us your new collar, or your welts, or whatever you value most from your visit, and we’ll love you more for having done it.

But, whatever you do, come back to us.

Rules of Etiquette

APeX events are intended to be a safe space for our members and guests. These guidelines exist to help everyone feel more comfortable. We expect all members and guests to follow them.

If the words or actions of any attendee at any APeX function cause you to feel unsafe or uncomfortable, please bring it to the attention of a Board of Directors member at the event if you are comfortable doing so. You may also contact us via APeX_NY on FetLife or with your concerns. You need not reveal your identity, and we will not disclose your identity or other personal details to any other person without your express permission.

Do not touch others without their permission.

If you haven’t established an agreement with someone, you need to ask before you touch. Hugging and other personal touch is unwelcome to many people, so please don’t until you get permission. A simple, “May I hug you?” will do. It should be OK with you to hear the word “NO,” without taking it personally. “No” doesn’t mean anything about you, only that the person you’ve just asked either does not feel like being hugged or touched at this time, or perhaps, needs permission to do that. Also, do not touch anyone else’s equipment or belongings without permission.

Use “scene” names, not real names.

Many people use first names or pseudonyms in the community. Please address others by the name they are using at the event, even if you know their “real” name. When in doubt, politely ask.

Ask about pronouns, don’t assume.

Attendees have the right to use and be known by the pronouns and other words of identity that they choose. Consider including your preferred pronouns when you introduce yourself or adding them to your name tag. If you’re not sure of a person’s preferences, politely ask them what they like to use. Intentional misgendering is unacceptable behavior which will result in a warning or expulsion from an event should it continue.

Inappropriate Language

No, not four letter words… We’re all adults, and sometimes some spicy language might be heard at an event. That’s fine, though keep in mind sound travels and to not offend others in our public locations.

Language that’s inappropriate includes discriminatory language, words which are hurtful or marginalizing towards a specific ethnic group, sexuality, or which otherwise break the safe space of an APeX event.

Using language that is sexist, racist, transphobic, ageist, ableist, sizest, or otherwise marginalizing towards anyone is unacceptable. That includes telling jokes that stereotype or marginalize any group, using slurs, or speaking to or about people in a disrespectful manner.

If you use inappropriate language at an APeX function or online in APeX’s message boards or other fora, you will be given a warning. Any online posts may be edited or deleted to remove the inappropriate language. Repeated offenses will result in you being asked to leave the event or having your posting rights to online resources revoked. If after repeated warnings the behavior continues, you will be asked to cease attending any APeX events until further notice.

Event Confidentiality

What happens at an event stays at the event. While making public posts or giving a “thank you” in person may be appropriate, describing the interactions of participants at an event, or other specific details of an event, is not appropriate.

If you do talk about an event in public, avoid using details which could identify people. It’s one thing to say, “I saw a hot spanking recently,” but something quite different to say, “Joe was really getting spanked hard at Mary’s house last night.” Speaking generally of activities is permissible, but speaking specifically of participants, locations, and even exact dates can reveal details that others may need to keep private due to employment, family, or simply preference.

Behave appropriately in public.

When we are in a public venue, or when a private venue opens up to the public, it is important to protect the integrity and privacy of the group, so there will be no exhibitionism allowed. Anyone simulating BDSM acts, overt sexual behavior, or outlandish activity which calls attention to our group will be given a warning. If the offensive behavior continues, the person/s in question will be asked to leave. Please DO NOT wear fetish attire to events held in public venues.

Alcohol & Drugs

Anyone arriving at a function under the influence of drugs or alcohol will be asked to leave. Anyone who becomes noticeably under the influence of alcohol or drugs at an event will be asked to leave. While social drinking is acceptable at some events where alcohol is sold, BDSM and inebriation do not mix at APeX events.

Solicitation & Promotion

No soliciting for sexual or BDSM related services is allowed.

Promotion of other events, spaces, etc. is generally permitted, but requires approval from the BoD. If you’d like to share an upcoming event, please email the Secretary or talk to a Board of Directors member at one of our events. APeX reserves the right to refuse promotion at our functions of events or spaces which have consent or behavior policies which are not in keeping with APeX’s ideals.


APeX reserves the right to take whatever actions we deem necessary to preserve the safety of our spaces and the comfort of participants. Continued violations of etiquette or other rules may result in formal warnings, expulsion from an event without refund, or banning from some or all future APeX events.

Red Flags

 What is a “Red Flag”?

Author Unknown

Cross-posted to the Albany Power eXchange message board 9/06.

A “Red Flag” is any indication that you should steer clear of a particular person, either Dom/me or sub. These can pop up at any time, though most often in the beginning of a potential relationship. They can be obvious or they can be subtle.

Some common examples might be:

1) Inappropriate questions or comments during the initial conversations, such as do you want to play? or what are you wearing? or what do you look like? or asking for your phone number immediately, etc. Such questions have nothing at all to do with D/s, but rather indicate the person is looking for cyber or phone sex.

2) Moving too quickly: if the prospective Dom/me or sub seems to be in a hurry to begin a relationship, or to advance it faster than seems reasonable or comfortable for you. Like if they want to meet you within the first 10 minutes online. Trust is the cornerstone, and cannot be rushed. Clearly, there is no arbitrary time frame, but most long-lasting relationships take several weeks if not months to build before actual contact.

3) Inappropriate attitude: “Bow down and worship me” those who act as if every submissive must obey every so-called Dom, and begin giving or obeying orders from the word go. Or those who have the idea that each and every Tom, Dick, and Harry must be addressed as Sir, whether they know them or not. Many subs in the chat rooms do this, but respect is worth little if it is so lightly given. Both of these attitudes and practices show a poor understanding of the true dynamics of Dominance and submission.

4) Safety violations: reluctance to have a safeword or other safety precautions in place, either during the first meeting or later. Run.

5) Lack of communication: if your potential partner is reluctant to discuss something with you, pay attention. Likewise, and equally serious, if you are told directly or indirectly, that you may not discuss something with others, or may not talk to someone else, or may not go to a particular area, be careful. Trying to “gag” someone is a sign that something is wrong.

6) A persistent bad reputation: or unwillingness to give references. This can be tricky if the person you are talking to is new online, but it is still a red flag. Or perhaps a yellow one.

7) Trashing ex-partners. When someone is constantly talking about their ex publicly in the chat rooms and on bb’s, i.e., trying to ruin their rep, try to keep in mind that you might be their “ex” someday and be subjected to such treatment if things do not go the way they want. This is something that both Dom/mes and subs are frequently guilty of. Warning others of potential danger from an ex-partner is obviously a different case.

8) Frequent inconsistencies. If someone often makes contradictory statements from one day to the next, like Mon. tells you s/he has no children, then on Fri., mentions his/her son’s birthday or something. If a person often seems to have a lot of trouble remembering what they have said to you from one day to the next, it could be that they are telling a lot of people a lot of different things. Just in general, I would encourage anyone to really try to get to know
someone before making a final judgment on their character. However, caution and common sense should always rule. If you have doubts, do not give out personal information. You can still talk to this person, but be careful.

And please, trust that GUT INSTINCT.

BDSM is NOT Abuse

 BDSM is NOT Abuse!

Abuse checklist

 (Does or has) your partner…

_____ Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?

_____ Slowly isolated you from your family and friends?

_____ Put down your accomplishments or goals?

_____ Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?

_____ Threaten to hurt your children or pet if you don’t comply with their wants or desires?

_____ Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?

_____ Tell you that you are nothing without them?

_____ Treat you roughly – grab, push pinch, shove or hit you?

_____ Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?

_____ Made you totally dependent on them economically?

_____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?

_____ Blame you for how they feel or act?

_____ Refuse to give you or your children medical and dental care?

_____ Force you to have an abortion?

_____ Prevent you from going to church and participating in church activities?

_____ Restrict  your access to the children?

_____ Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?

_____ Make you feel like there “is no way out” of the relationship?

_____ Prevent you from doing things you want – like spending time with your friends or family?

_____ Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”?

_____ Make you take drugs or alcohol?

And for those that are in to the B & D and S & M of BDSM:

_____ Are hard limits ignored?

_____ Is safety ignored?

_____ Is there no effort made to resolve conflict after a problematic session?

_____ Is there no aftercare given?

_____ Are you just used as a ‘object’ on which your partner takes out their anger?

_____ Has your partner tried to force you into sexual situations with others?

_____ Are your needs as a submissive/slave ignored?

_____ Has your partner ever used scenes to express or cover up anger and frustration?

The following are Indications of MAJOR Abuse. Counseling is recommended for anyone that can answer YES to any of the following questions. Immediate intervention is suggested for those who answered yes to even one of the questions that are in RED.

Do you…

_____ Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?

_____ Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?

_____ Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

_____ Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

_____ Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?

_____ Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

_____ Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

_____ Doubt your own judgment even in small decisions?

_____ Always doubt your memory of the way things happened because of what he says?

_____ Feel increasingly trapped and powerless?

_____ Have you thought of suicide?

_____ Have you thought of murdering your partner as a way out?



BDSM is NOT Abuse!

Abuse checklist


(Does or has) your partner…

_____ Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?

_____ Slowly isolated you from your family and friends?

_____ Put down your accomplishments or goals?

_____ Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?

_____ Threaten to hurt your children or pet if you don’t comply with their wants or desires?

_____ Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?

_____ Tell you that you are nothing without them?

_____ Treat you roughly – grab, push pinch, shove or hit you?

_____ Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?

_____ Made you totally dependent on them economically?

_____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?

_____ Blame you for how they feel or act?

_____ Refuse to give you or your children medical and dental care?

_____ Force you to have an abortion?

_____ Prevent you from going to church and participating in church activities?

_____ Restrict  your access to the children?

_____ Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?

_____ Make you feel like there “is no way out” of the relationship?

_____ Prevent you from doing things you want – like spending time with your friends or family?

_____ Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”?

_____ Make you take drugs or alcohol?

And for those that are in to the B & D and S & M of BDSM:

_____ Are hard limits ignored?

_____ Is safety ignored?

_____ Is there no effort made to resolve conflict after a problematic session?

_____ Is there no aftercare given?

_____ Are you just used as a ‘object’ on which your partner takes out their anger?

_____ Has your partner tried to force you into sexual situations with others?

_____ Are your needs as a submissive/slave ignored?

_____ Has your partner ever used scenes to express or cover up anger and frustration?

The following are Indications of MAJOR Abuse. Counseling is recommended for anyone that can answer YES to any of the following questions. Immediate intervention is suggested for those who answered yes to even one of the questions that are in RED.

Do you…

_____ Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?

_____ Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?

_____ Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

_____ Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

_____ Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?

_____ Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

_____ Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

_____ Doubt your own judgment even in small decisions?

_____ Always doubt your memory of the way things happened because of what they say?

_____ Feel increasingly trapped and powerless?

_____ Have you thought of suicide?

_____ Have you thought of murdering your partner as a way out?

Note: This list is not comprehensive. Your particular situation may be somewhat different. If you still feel you are being abused, seek professional counseling. Nothing in this checklist should be considered a substitute for counseling.