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The Dominant Mindset

 The Dominant Mindset

by RebelGent

I often receive requests from Dominants who are on the point of embarking on a 24/7 relationship. Their biggest concerns center around both maintaining control of the relationship while simultaneously ensuring an environment conducive to the fulfillment of both his needs as the Dominant, and his submissive’s needs.

The issue I focus on in these instances is that of trust, in conjunction with the issue of control in “teaching” the sub/slave to trust her Dominant. The mindset is of utmost importance. Try not to separate aspects of the relationship into individual and distinct areas. Think of the process of establishing a D/s relationship, whether 24/7 or not, as a combination of necessary components of one thing…your dominance and her submission.

The goal should be to incorporate your dominance and her submission seamlessly into your lifestyle. It should be intertwined so that just about anything you and your sub/slave do together could be construed as D/s. In other words, don’t complicate your lives by categorizing aspects and activities into “D/s activities” and “non-D/s” activities.

The control factor is a big issue particularly among couples just starting this lifestyle. My advice is always — KISS (Keep it simple, stupid) :> Easier said than done, I will agree.

There is always a tendency to over control and issue a plethora of rules, because, after all…you are “The Dom”. My advice runs contrary to that thinking. Have at the very most less than 10 basic rules. Make sure the rules are doable at all times, and that they do not interfere with everyday living. The most important thing once you have set those rules is: enforce them. The rules should be the kind that will be easy for her to obey. Don’t make them so onerous that you spend half your time punishing her for breaking them. Continually re-evaluate the rules you have given her to make sure they don’t become onerous for one reason or another. Keep in mind that your life situations may well have changed in some ways from the inception of your rules; adjust them accordingly.

The rules should be ones that remind her constantly of your relationship to her, who and what you are to each other, Master and slave…Dom and sub. It is your responsibility to try to foresee every eventuality where the rules might cause a problem and resolve it by adjusting the rule before it gets to be a problem. Always be flexible about suspending the rule if “reality” rears its ugly head.

If you find yourself suspending a particular rule more often than it is in force, don’t be afraid to completely change the rule or drop it altogether. There is nothing wrong with being realistic and realizing that even though you thought the rule would work all the time, it simply doesn’t.

Don’t make the rules onerous for you, either. After all, life should be simpler now that you have your lovely submissive. :>

When you have these rules in place, enforcing them when necessary, changing them when necessary, suspending them when necessary, you both will be on your way.

Consistency and fairness should be your hallmarks as a Master. Your submissive will feel confident in placing her trust in you because she will know that you are confident enough in yourself to enforce, change, alter, suspend and drop any rule you set out there for your mutual benefit.

However, if she breaks a rule, even inadvertently, you must punish and make sure she understands why. Never, ever take the disobedience personally and get angry. You must trust her to want to follow the rules because these rules also address her need to be dominated by you.

If she disobeys, discuss the disobedience. Why did it happen? Were you, as the Master, not clear about the rule? Was the rule impossible for her to follow because real life interfered?

Whatever the reason, always listen, and discuss the incident, but still punish. If the rule needs to be altered, then do it. If that is the case, the punishment would need to be lighter because it was something you had not foreseen. Take responsibility for everything.

As to control over particular areas of your sub/slave’s life, I look at this issue differently from most Dominants. I have complete control over all areas of My slave’s life. Period, end of story. However, her trust in me is, in part, based on the knowledge that absolutely no decision I make about our lives will be unilateral. She trusts that I would never make a decision that would not take into consideration what is in the best interests of us both, no matter what that decision was.

It is just as important for the Master to know when not to exercise control as to know when to do it. The bottom line is that I have the final word. For example, yes, I can tell her to quit her job. But why would I do that? Because I can? That is silly and not mutually beneficial to either of us. Realistically, if your submissive’s job were to become so onerous as to interfere in your relationship, of course you both would sit down and talk about it. You both might decide the job atmosphere has changed and you both might decide the best thing for her to do would be to change jobs. The same might happen with you in your job. As the Master, you must take everything into consideration at all times. You are responsible for everything that happens. She trusts you to deal with it in a way that is beneficial to you both.

Another area where Dominants seem to want to exert an enormous amount of control is in what his sub/slave wears on a day to day basis. I could select each and every day what Rebelsgal is to wear. I am way too lazy to do that. 🙂 I expect her to be able to dress herself in whatever attire she deems appropriate for the occasion. I, however, have the final word. If I don’t like her choice, she changes it. In areas like this, I govern by exception. I find it much easier and less onerous on us both.

The idea is to control the environment you both live in. Some things you will not be able to do anything about…accept that and move on. Don’t fight it. Remember your goal is to get your needs and her needs fulfilled and satisfied. Real life things such as jobs, relatives, friends, etc. will continually interfere…accept this and work around them. If you have your rules right, there will always be continual reminders of who and what you are to each other. Be selfish enough to make her the center of your world and everything revolve around her. Your goal is to satisfy her needs. Her goal is to satisfy your needs. Trust each other to do exactly that.

I do not allow Rebelsgal to put her needs before mine. She is here to look after my needs. I will look after her needs. I trust her to do this and she trusts me to do the same.

All Rights Reserved, Copyright 1997, The RebelGent

Qualities of a successful Dominant

By Polly Peachum

“The Problems Started After I Moved In”

When talking to submissive women about their lives and relationships, the most frequent cause of sorrow and difficulty that gets mentioned is the transition from a non-live-in D&S relationship to a full-time live-in situation. Relationships that seemed to work beautifully when limited to cyberspace hot-chat rooms, email, and the telephone suddenly become rocky and confused when two kinky individuals start to live together in a more intense and demanding sort of partnership. There are a number of reasons why this happens with such frequency.

Cyberspace teaches you that dominating and submitting are easy and are almost always fun. All you need to do to be a very popular and admired cyber-dominant is to know what pat phrases to say at what times. Even I, a person without any dominant desires, could, by assuming a false on-line persona, easily have a huge stable of cyber-submissives swooning over me and vying for my attention, simply because I know the right words to say. Submissives who have only recently discovered or decided to pursue their sexuality are, as a rule, so sexually and emotionally needy for control, any kind of control, that they fall right over if you assume a stern, forceful demeanor in their cyber-presence and issue the sorts of orders that you read about in S&M pornography. Then, in public, if you repeat all the standard tenets accepted by the S&M Scene community as the highest wisdom (again, it’s very easy to learn what these are–you know, inanities like “safe, sane, and consensual” and “the best tops started out as bottoms”–and then rattle them off like a parrot) you’ll get a rep as a wise, respected and (cough cough) “loving” dominant, a paragon of the Scene.

It’s incredibly easy to dominate someone from a distance. It’s so easy, in fact, that many men who are not genuinely dominant have discovered that if they put on this “act,” they can have as many no-strings-attached cyber-slaves as they like. The problem comes when such “dominants” begin, as they often do, to believe their own propaganda and start to consider themselves to be superdoms, even though they’ve never had any experience in controlling anyone in real life. Such a superdork, er–excuse me–superdom, thinks that actually dominating someone in real life is identical to the virtually effortless fantasy play that he conducts on line or over the phone. So, considering himself to be eminently qualified, he orders some poor, lovestruck submissive to leave her home and to move in with him. And when both he and his gullible partner are forced to deal with the reality of dominance and submission, the disaster begins.

Actually to dominate someone who lives with you requires much, much more from you than the ability to create a sexy fantasy on a computer screen or to assume a stern tone or to issue commands over the phone or in email to an always compliant and willing part-time submissive who spends the majority of her largely independent life without you. Very few people actually have what it takes to be successful dominants, and real dominants are actually quite rare, as many more people have the desire to dominate someone than have the ability to do it well. To dominate someone full-time and in person requires a lot of very hard work on thedominant’s part; a successful dominant does this hard work because the rewards, for him, are worth it. It also requires information, even wisdom, about what both dominant and submissive must do to make this sort of relationship work that at present is unavailable in the fantasy-laden S&M Scene community and its written materials.

As an example, to dominate a deep and needy submissive successfully (in other words, in a way that ensures that both of you are happy and fulfilled)–even a highly motivated, sincere, and obedient submissive–requires an ability to cope with numerous emotional freakouts, resistances, and confusions in one’s submissive partner, especially during the first few live-in years of the relationship. Even the deepest submissive has tremendous difficulties–at first–with learning to obey and to submit, because learning to be a good submissive is not a matter of personality or willpower (although these things help). It’s not a matter of being “submissive enough.” It’s entirely a matter of training and experience. The most willing and compliant submissive isn’t born knowing instinctively how to serve or how to put her Master’s needsfirst. In fact, she’s taught from childhood to be independent and willful. Overcoming a lifetime of cultural conditioning takes lots of time; and nothing in the easy fantasy play that people do on line or over the telephone prepares them for the difficulties of actual, real-life daily obedience. The only way a submissive learns to be a good submissive is through extensive practice, through making mistakes and learning from them, through talking over what goes wrong with a knowledgeable and patient dominant, and through extensive and informed assistance from her dominant partner.

The early “hell” years of a live-in D&S relationship require, in every case that I have seen, extensive patience and emotional self-control from a dominant. Such patience and emotional self-control are signs of maturity, of an adult who’s actually “grown up” and who is truly capable of taking responsibility for someone else’s life. When your submissive is screaming and raging at you for “forcing” her to get up early and make your morning coffee, calling you hurtful, inconsiderate, abusive, it’s awfully hard if you’ve had no actual successful experience as a dominant, or if you are emotionally immature, not to be affected by this, even hurt by it, and not to lash back at her. But “getting back” at a resistant or upset submissive who’s wounded you by withdrawing from her physically or emotionally or through angry punishment or emotional rages of your own will simply ensure that your relationship quickly becomes conventional in terms of power. Your submissive learns that you can’t control yourself, that you have no clue about how to deal with her passive-aggressive or manipulative attempts at resisting you, or that you are a coward who runs away from confrontation. In other words, she learns that, instead of being the great and wonderful dominant that you appeared to be on line, you’re really just an angry, scared, or wounded little boy who is no more emotionally mature than she.

As will become evident to anyone who attempts a live-in power-exchange relationship for a significant length of time, D&S is, at times, hard work and requires a rare individual as a dominant: someone whose ability and actions actually match the claims he makes for him, and someone who considers the hard work worth it because of the things he gets out of the relationship.

There are some minimum attributes which any dominant needs in order to make a real power-exchange relationship work. These are qualities which every submissive person must look for in the dominant when they meet. Many self-proclaimed dominants say that they have these extraordinary qualities, but the claim alone means nothing. The dominant must be able to demonstrate, to show you, that he actually has these attributes. Learning whether your dominant meets these basic requirements takes time: submissives who rush into absolute or even partial live-in power-exchange relationships without taking the time to determine the quality of the person they are agreeing to submit to often pay dearly for it later.

Below are descriptions of some of the minimum qualifications which a dominant who hopes to be successful in a power-exchange relationship must have. It is not meant to be complete, just to provide you with some of the more important qualities to look for in a potential dominant partner:

Self-Control

If you can’t control yourself–your vices, your emotions, your tendency to act out–you cannot control another person. You are too weak and self-indulgent to control another. As mentioned above, all submissives, even the best, resist control at times. Dealing with that resistance in a way that encourages good behavior in the submissive and helps to train her to be a better submissive and a happier person means realizing from the start that your submissive’s actions, however much you may dislike them, are not about you. They are, rather, about her problems with submitting. Learning not to respond narcissistically–i.e.: with anger, personal affront, hurt, or defensiveness–when she behaves in a resisting or manipulative way, is part of self-control. Instead of overreacting, a self-controlled dominant will rationally and over time devise workable strategies based on his intimate knowledge of his submissive that discourage the behavior and attitudes he dislikes.

Stubbornness and Emotional Resilience

People who only imagine that they are dominants and who are suddenly thrust into the position of having to control a real human being face-to-face, often ask a very revealing question: when faced with the initial difficulties of training a submissive and overcoming the onslaught of her confusion or resistance, a situation which requires so much self-control and maturity on their part, they often wonder what it is that the dominant gets out of the relationship besides hard work and grief. An actual dominant never wonders this in any serious sense. He knows what he wants to get out of a power-exchange relationship, and he makes sure, despite the difficulties, that he gets it. A dominants must actually be dominant–must actually have a strong enough will to get his needs met, to insist that he get what he wants out of the relationship. In addition, to someone who is genuinely dominant, overcoming the submissive’s resistance in a way that enhances the relationship for both of them is something that, despite his dislike of the actual resistance, he relishes, as in the long run it enhances his control.

Responsibility

Owning someone for life is a very serious endeavor. When you control another person and can do anything to her that you want to, you have a great responsibility toward her. Some people shallowly liken a dominant’s responsibility to that of owning a pet, but it’s much more of a duty than that. In terms of the seriousness with which the dominant must take his charge, it’s more like having a child. You control this person absolutely, and, assuming that you love your slave, you must make sure that the things that you do–or don’t do–are not harmful or damaging to your charge. You have to think first, and carefully, before you speak out in anger. You have to consider how each action you take or decision you make affects your submissive as well as yourself. You have to anticipate how your sub will react to certain things before you commit to them. You’re steering the ship. You’re the only one in charge. If you truly realize that, then you also know that when things screw up and don’t work out, it is not the fault of the person who is helpless before you and who must follow your orders; it is your responsibility, and yours alone.

Maturity

A dominant has to be grown up enough to take the responsibility when things go wrong. A child in an adult’s body, on the other hand, blames every misfortune that befalls him on others. Nothing is ever his responsibility. It’s always someone else who has screwed up. A mature person also has patience and a willingness to wait a long time, if necessary, for things to work out. Some things in power-exchange take a very long time to achieve, and a dominant, especially, has to have the determination and fortitude to wait for these things without giving up or losing heart. A mature person is able to keep perspective: he doesn’t see every little blow up or emotional difficulty from his submissive as a sign that the relationship isn’t working or as some symptom of the fact that his submissive doesn’t love him. A mature dominant also knows how to walk the very fine line between not letting his submissive partner’s emotional difficulties rule him on the one hand and becoming emotionally distant from the submissive on the other. A mature person tends to have a calm, even personality that isn’t rocked by every little incident that life throws at him. A mature dominant can be looked up to by his submissive partner, leaned on, seen as a pillar of strength and support–at all times, not just when he finds it fun or easy to play that role. A mature dominant has a good understanding of human nature from having encountered its many forms and knows, in general, what works and what doesn’t work when dealing with a submissive. He doesn’t have to learn all of this by experimenting on you.

Trustworthiness

This may be the most important quality that a dominant must have. Someone who is completely dependent upon another person and who exists only to please that person has to know that her dominant is reliable and consistent–and especially that he is capable of keeping his word. A dominant isn’t trustworthy just because he says he is. He’s trustworthy when he proves to you, with consistent actions over a long period of time, that he does what he says he is going to do and when he says he will do it, that he tells you the truth and doesn’t deceive you, that you can come to him with your problems, whatever those problems may be, and rely on him to lend a sympathetic, loving ear and not to reject you just because those problems make him feel insecure, confused, or upset.

Experience and Knowledge

It helps immensely if a dominant knows what he is doing–knows which activities are safe and which put a submissive in danger physically or psychologically, understands how to get to know his submissive–to delve deeply into her personality so that he can better control her, knows how to keep her serving him happily and enthusiastically, and knows how actually to control someone. Most people who want to be dominants don’t have the slightest idea of how to do the any of this. They may have had a little success at doing fantasy scenes on the computer, and they think this childish play, which anyone–even a submissive like myself–could learn to do convincingly with a couple of day’s practice makes them experienced and worldly dominants. Or they may learn from the terrible S&M advice and etiquette books on the market that there are “training methods” or formulae that work universally with all submissives (nothing is further from the truth). Or they may have gone to a couple of play parties, seen the performances put on by individuals who are only slightly less ignorant than themselves (although these players will usually do everything within their power to convince you they are S&M experts) and concluded that really controlling someone closely resembles these staged and artificial scenes done mostly to impress an audience with how skilled or cool you are. Learning how to control someone, how to overcome her resistances (every submissive who experiences real, permanent dominance resists), how to handle each new situation that comes up takes a great deal of knowledge or experience, and there’s an art to it as well. It’s complex, as each individual situation requires a different, non-canned or stereotyped response. Most people in the Scene, most people who call themselves dominants and promote themselves as wise S&M gurus, know nothing about any of this. They’re fumbling around in the dark. A dominant either learns this kind of thing from many, many years in the school of hard knocks or from learning from another dominant who already has this knowledge.

Desire

It’s a sad fact that many people who call themselves dominants these days have absolutely no idea of what to do with a submissive once they are alone in the same room with one. As long as they can bluster and preen and pretend on line or at a distance or for a short period of time they do fine. But once they actually have a real person to deal with 24 hours a day, they quickly run out of ideas. Most of these people have none of the essential qualities described above, and they don’t really want any of the difficulties or hassles that controlling someone always involves. They want to be dominant entirely for the ego boost, or because they believe that it’s an easy way to get girls to do what you want them to, or because it all sounds so much more fun and easier than a conventional relationship. They are not truly dominant. If they were, they’d accept the hassles and difficulties involved with control, as they’d relish that control so much that they would be willing to deal with any problems it brings. Most self-styled dominants, however, do not really want to control another’s life, they do not want to own a slave (although they often believe that they do until they find one), and when confronted with the realities of ownership, they run away, abandoning their responsibilities. The most common form of running away, of abdicating the dominant’s responsibility, is to blame all the relationship problems on the submissive, pretending that she is ultimately the responsible one.

Submissive Struggles

By

All submissives look within themselves and dissect their submission; many times will come up when they ask themselves if they are really submissive at all. Yet, certain things creep in again and again that get our juices flowing or our antennas up where we “feel” something inside that tells us we are submissive. The thoughts, fantasies, feelings of wanting to be controlled by another person with regard to our intimate relationship are strong cues. For some it remains fantasy and for others who are lucky enough to find their counterpart, it becomes reality.

We all… slaves and submissives alike, will have sporadic internal thoughts of defiance. This is a normal process as we strive to live a life that sometimes seems counter to how we were raised or who we are outside of our primary power exchange relationship. The “ah hah” that we even Have those thoughts says much with regard to our submission. Also, any negative reactions or the “not saying it out loud” becomes more controlled or reduces over time. But they will still occur here and there.

The fact is that we are human, as are our Dominants. That makes the power exchange even more special. Every slave i have ever known has been an amazingly strong and assertive individual. And we all know that our Masters are human, whether we look at them in a “G-dlike” manner or not.

As for surrender… not everyone can surrender themselves to another. It is an extremely vulnerable process; one that many struggle with for long periods of time. Perhaps it is semantics, but i feel that submission and surrender are very different. In my opinion, submission is more the physical and, often, temporary or on and off. Surrender is of the mind, body, soul in a more long term way. i know i am simplifying this, but it’s somewhat how i see it.

How do you get from submission to surrender? Only you can find your path to that. But i will say that the feelings of vulnerability, pride, ego, and all of that can come up and get in the way. But if thoughts of surrender keep niggling at you, then you know you are on the journey of a deeper submission.

my old friend slave demona told me something when i first met Sir. i told her i was having “slave feelings”. Although i never identified that way i was aware of the difference in how i was feeling about him, and reacting to him. Her words became my mantra, which i printed out in large font and taped to my bathroom mirror. They helped immensely:

“ENJOY IT. YOUR INSTINCTS WILL GUIDE YOU. FORGET ABOUT THE REST.”

Like You

LIKE YOU

By

In many areas of our lives we all have experienced being “different” in some way. Maybe you are gay or have a particular medical condition.  With regard to BDSM, since this is a BDSM group, maybe it first was feeling you had a kink.  Then you discover BDSM.  Some of us closeted it and others were out and defended our interests.  You sought out groups like this because you want to find people LIKE YOU.

Then maybe you discovered you are submissive or dominant.  Some males, in particular, have felt a difficulty with submission because it isn’t culturally accepted in our male Dominant societies.  People don’t get it unless they are LIKE YOU.
 
Then maybe you discovered you like pain… or giving it… or maybe not.  Or you just like to be controlled and feel that fist in your hair.  It brings on visceral feelings that you just can’t explain except to others LIKE YOU – Others who are into BDSM, who are submissive at least some of the time.  Or you like putting your fist in someone’s hair and watching them yield to your touch…. you dig that control…. people might think you are an abuser unless they are LIKE YOU.
 
Or maybe you just thought you were kinky or just liked rough sex and then realized that you were a “submissive” or “Dominant” (terms not coined until the 90’s before which Top and Bottom were used) or a “slave”.  OMG… a slave!  How do you reconcile that?  Vanilla people don’t “get” BDSM.  And guess what?  BDSMers don’t “get” consensual servitude unless they are LIKE YOU.
 
There is no better or worse.  But it is certainly difficult on all sides of the coin when people, even in this “lifestyle” either make you feel like they are better or try to impart the opinion that you think you are better because you are only different and in a minority.  It’s a really lonely place to be for many people.  Spankers, littles, foot fetishists, latex and rubber lovers, switches, daddies, doms, subs, masters, mistresses (you must be a pro-domme!!) and slaves and more all can feel like they don’t fit here and there… even among our own unless they are LIKE YOU.
 
So… there is no better or worse in BDSM.  We are like snowflakes…  we may all be flakes, but no two of us are alike… we are the same, yet unique. 
 
mayafire