Rules of Etiquette

APeX events are intended to be a safe space for our members and guests. These guidelines exist to help everyone feel more comfortable. We expect all members and guests to follow them.

If the words or actions of any attendee at any APeX function cause you to feel unsafe or uncomfortable, please bring it to the attention of a Board of Directors member at the event if you are comfortable doing so. You may also contact us via APeX_NY on FetLife or email the Secretary with your concerns. You need not reveal your identity, and we will not disclose your identity or other personal details to any other person without your express permission.

Do not touch others without their permission.

If you haven’t established an agreement with someone, you need to ask before you touch. Hugging and other personal touch is unwelcome to many people, so please don’t until you get permission. A simple, “May I hug you?” will do. It should be OK with you to hear the word “NO,” without taking it personally. “No” doesn’t mean anything about you, only that the person you’ve just asked either does not feel like being hugged or touched at this time, or perhaps, needs permission to do that. Also, do not touch anyone else’s equipment or belongings without permission.

Use “scene” names, not real names.

Many people use first names or pseudonyms in the community. Please address others by the name they are using at the event, even if you know their “real” name. When in doubt, politely ask.

Ask about pronouns, don’t assume.

Attendees have the right to use and be known by the pronouns and other words of identity that they choose. Consider including your preferred pronouns when you introduce yourself or adding them to your name tag. If you’re not sure of a person’s preferences, politely ask them what they like to use. Intentional misgendering is unacceptable behavior which will result in a warning or expulsion from an event should it continue.

Inappropriate Language

No, not four letter words… We’re all adults, and sometimes some spicy language might be heard at an event. That’s fine, though keep in mind sound travels and to not offend others in our public locations.

Language that’s inappropriate includes discriminatory language, words which are hurtful or marginalizing towards a specific ethnic group, sexuality, or which otherwise break the safe space of an APeX event.

Using language that is sexist, racist, transphobic, ageist, ableist, sizest, or otherwise marginalizing towards anyone is unacceptable. That includes telling jokes that stereotype or marginalize any group, using slurs, or speaking to or about people in a disrespectful manner.

Using language that is demeaning or derogatory towards an individual without their prior consent is unacceptable.  Sending threatening or demeaning messages in any online forum, email, instant message platform, etc. without prior consent may result in an Administrative Hold barring attendance at APeX functions.

If you use inappropriate language at an APeX function or online in APeX’s message boards or other fora, you will be given a warning. Any online posts may be edited or deleted to remove the inappropriate language. Repeated offenses will result in you being asked to leave the event or having your posting rights to online resources revoked. If after repeated warnings the behavior continues, you will be asked to cease attending any APeX events until further notice.

Event Confidentiality

What happens at an event stays at the event. While making public posts or giving a “thank you” in person may be appropriate, describing the interactions of participants at an event, or other specific details of an event, is not appropriate.

If you do talk about an event in public, avoid using details which could identify people. It’s one thing to say, “I saw a hot spanking recently,” but something quite different to say, “Joe was really getting spanked hard at Mary’s house last night.” Speaking generally of activities is permissible, but speaking specifically of participants, locations, and even exact dates can reveal details that others may need to keep private due to employment, family, or simply preference.

Behave appropriately in public.

When we are in a public venue, or when a private venue opens up to the public, it is important to protect the integrity and privacy of the group, so there will be no exhibitionism allowed. Anyone simulating BDSM acts, overt sexual behavior, or outlandish activity which calls attention to our group will be given a warning. If the offensive behavior continues, the person/s in question will be asked to leave. Please DO NOT wear fetish attire to events held in public venues.

Alcohol & Drugs

Anyone arriving at a function under the influence of drugs or alcohol will be asked to leave. Anyone who becomes noticeably under the influence of alcohol or drugs at an event will be asked to leave. While social drinking is acceptable at some events where alcohol is sold, BDSM and inebriation do not mix at APeX events.

Solicitation & Promotion

No soliciting for sexual or BDSM related services is allowed.

Promotion of other events, spaces, etc. is generally permitted, but requires approval from the BoD. If you’d like to share an upcoming event, please email the Secretary or talk to a Board of Directors member at one of our events. APeX reserves the right to refuse promotion at our functions of events or spaces which have consent or behavior policies which are not in keeping with APeX’s ideals.


APeX reserves the right to take whatever actions we deem necessary to preserve the safety of our spaces and the comfort of participants. Continued violations of etiquette or other rules may result in formal warnings, expulsion from an event without refund, or banning from some or all future APeX events.