The Dominant Mindset
I often receive requests from Dominants who are on the point of embarking on a 24/7 relationship. Their biggest concerns center around both maintaining control of the relationship while simultaneously ensuring an environment conducive to the fulfillment of both his needs as the Dominant, and his submissive’s needs.
The issue I focus on in these instances is that of trust, in conjunction with the issue of control in “teaching” the sub/slave to trust her Dominant. The mindset is of utmost importance. Try not to separate aspects of the relationship into individual and distinct areas. Think of the process of establishing a D/s relationship, whether 24/7 or not, as a combination of necessary components of one thing…your dominance and her submission.
The goal should be to incorporate your dominance and her submission seamlessly into your lifestyle. It should be intertwined so that just about anything you and your sub/slave do together could be construed as D/s. In other words, don’t complicate your lives by categorizing aspects and activities into “D/s activities” and “non-D/s” activities.
The control factor is a big issue particularly among couples just starting this lifestyle. My advice is always — KISS (Keep it simple, stupid) :> Easier said than done, I will agree.
There is always a tendency to over control and issue a plethora of rules, because, after all…you are “The Dom”. My advice runs contrary to that thinking. Have at the very most less than 10 basic rules. Make sure the rules are doable at all times, and that they do not interfere with everyday living. The most important thing once you have set those rules is: enforce them. The rules should be the kind that will be easy for her to obey. Don’t make them so onerous that you spend half your time punishing her for breaking them. Continually re-evaluate the rules you have given her to make sure they don’t become onerous for one reason or another. Keep in mind that your life situations may well have changed in some ways from the inception of your rules; adjust them accordingly.
The rules should be ones that remind her constantly of your relationship to her, who and what you are to each other, Master and slave…Dom and sub. It is your responsibility to try to foresee every eventuality where the rules might cause a problem and resolve it by adjusting the rule before it gets to be a problem. Always be flexible about suspending the rule if “reality” rears its ugly head.
If you find yourself suspending a particular rule more often than it is in force, don’t be afraid to completely change the rule or drop it altogether. There is nothing wrong with being realistic and realizing that even though you thought the rule would work all the time, it simply doesn’t.
Don’t make the rules onerous for you, either. After all, life should be simpler now that you have your lovely submissive. :>
When you have these rules in place, enforcing them when necessary, changing them when necessary, suspending them when necessary, you both will be on your way.
Consistency and fairness should be your hallmarks as a Master. Your submissive will feel confident in placing her trust in you because she will know that you are confident enough in yourself to enforce, change, alter, suspend and drop any rule you set out there for your mutual benefit.
However, if she breaks a rule, even inadvertently, you must punish and make sure she understands why. Never, ever take the disobedience personally and get angry. You must trust her to want to follow the rules because these rules also address her need to be dominated by you.
If she disobeys, discuss the disobedience. Why did it happen? Were you, as the Master, not clear about the rule? Was the rule impossible for her to follow because real life interfered?
Whatever the reason, always listen, and discuss the incident, but still punish. If the rule needs to be altered, then do it. If that is the case, the punishment would need to be lighter because it was something you had not foreseen. Take responsibility for everything.
As to control over particular areas of your sub/slave’s life, I look at this issue differently from most Dominants. I have complete control over all areas of My slave’s life. Period, end of story. However, her trust in me is, in part, based on the knowledge that absolutely no decision I make about our lives will be unilateral. She trusts that I would never make a decision that would not take into consideration what is in the best interests of us both, no matter what that decision was.
It is just as important for the Master to know when not to exercise control as to know when to do it. The bottom line is that I have the final word. For example, yes, I can tell her to quit her job. But why would I do that? Because I can? That is silly and not mutually beneficial to either of us. Realistically, if your submissive’s job were to become so onerous as to interfere in your relationship, of course you both would sit down and talk about it. You both might decide the job atmosphere has changed and you both might decide the best thing for her to do would be to change jobs. The same might happen with you in your job. As the Master, you must take everything into consideration at all times. You are responsible for everything that happens. She trusts you to deal with it in a way that is beneficial to you both.
Another area where Dominants seem to want to exert an enormous amount of control is in what his sub/slave wears on a day to day basis. I could select each and every day what Rebelsgal is to wear. I am way too lazy to do that. 🙂 I expect her to be able to dress herself in whatever attire she deems appropriate for the occasion. I, however, have the final word. If I don’t like her choice, she changes it. In areas like this, I govern by exception. I find it much easier and less onerous on us both.
The idea is to control the environment you both live in. Some things you will not be able to do anything about…accept that and move on. Don’t fight it. Remember your goal is to get your needs and her needs fulfilled and satisfied. Real life things such as jobs, relatives, friends, etc. will continually interfere…accept this and work around them. If you have your rules right, there will always be continual reminders of who and what you are to each other. Be selfish enough to make her the center of your world and everything revolve around her. Your goal is to satisfy her needs. Her goal is to satisfy your needs. Trust each other to do exactly that.
I do not allow Rebelsgal to put her needs before mine. She is here to look after my needs. I will look after her needs. I trust her to do this and she trusts me to do the same.
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