From Ugly Duckling To Swan
I have sat and thought this over for a while and I’d like to express some thoughts. Some may understand and agree, some may not, but I think it is worthwhile. I hope it will be somewhat entertaining as well as internally reflecting.
I think for so many of U/us, as we progress in the Lifestyle, learn more, experience more, we get to a place where we forget what our first days were like when we were first discovering and exploring.
Many times we experience a post from someone asking questions or voicing their inner feelings and trying to understand why. Some times the poster may seem insincere, and sometimes statements made may at first irritate our senses. I think before we are so quick to respond in judgment, it would be better for us to stop and reflect on our past, and if it is something we still cannot relate to, perhaps separate our thoughts from ourselves, and try to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and try to see where they may be coming from, and even why.
I’ll use my own experience for sincerity and to try to show that perhaps some questions which are posted are not so different than what some of us experienced at one time. I was the ugly duckling who transformed into a swan, lol.
I remember when I first learned of the Lifestyle, and that there were people who acknowledged and practiced feelings and needs that I had been experiencing inside but up to that point I kept hidden for fear I was “different.”
I then got involved with a fake and player, but the details are not important here, only that it happened. What matters is after that, I was introduced to a Mentor, who came highly recommended by a friend of mine, a friend well known in the Lifestyle. I honestly think myself fortunate in that I started with a Mentor, and that is one reason I would suggest one to anyone new to the Lifestyle, as long as serious research is done first.
Everything was so new to me, combined with the fact I was just coming out of a bad experience where I felt angry for being deceived. So I was a little less than willing to be “trained” or involve myself in any TPE or relationship where I gave up any control. I was hard-headed and at times disrespectful, though I never intended to be or thought myself so.
The wonderful thing with Mentors is that they teach, but they do not train. They allow one to learn and experience many facets of the Lifestyle in a safe environment. Most Mentors (in my opinion the good ones) will not allow any type of emotional bond to grow between them and their charge, or at least they will not take advantage of the bond if the sub starts to feel things, and they will go to great pains to ensure their charge always understands that they are watched, taught, and protected, but nothing else will be demanded of them, nor allowed, while being Mentored.
My Mentor allowed me to make mistakes, have the normal tantrums and phases of resistance, while all the time slowly teaching me. I was never judged negatively because I was not inclined to want to submit to another. I was simply lead, slowly, to understanding the expectations and rewards or such a relationship. Many times did I question and even argue the merits of this type of arrangement. At that time, I was being mentored, learning my submission, and yet had any of you here known me or discussed it much with me you would probably have considered me a player or a troll. The one thing my Mentor knew, and I did not, was that each time a new submissive fights with herself and resists her submission, it is another step in her learning process, and another opportunity for the Mentor to show and teach her, and thus lead her a little deeper into herself. My Mentor taught me to understand many things through feeling, believing it is sometimes more beneficial to allow someone to “feel” the lesson inside rather than trying to explain it.
For instance, one time when I was rambling (whining) about having directives that needed to be carried out, I didn’t see the point, and I didn’t have the time… all the ramblings of a submissive needing discipline, He allowed me to rebel, and then quietly withdrew his directives and advice, more and more, slowly over several days. I did not know this was occurring and suddenly something started to feel terribly wrong. I didn’t know what it was but after a few days I started to feel panic, sad, lost. When I finally went to Him and explained what I was feeling, He explained that He was in no way upset with me, and that He had merely allowed me to experience what it was like before I started learning with Him, and what it felt like to no longer have what He had been giving me and allowing me to experience. I immediately apologized for being such a blockhead and asked for His direction and control back. He never chastised or shamed me for my mistake, He allowed me to learn through feelings and understandings over time. And boy did that lesson stick with me.
There was the time I didn’t do something I was told, and things started to unwind and snowball. I didn’t want to have to go to him and admit what was wrong. I wanted to fix it myself. But I couldn’t fix it and things kept getting more and more out of control. The longer I waited, the worse it got. Finally I went to Him and asked Him please, I need help. He told me He knew I had not followed His suggestions and how things had probably went as a consequence. I asked Him why He had not questioned me about it when He knew. He responded that I needed to learn that when I am told something, I am told it for my benefit, and when I do not listen, I only hurt myself. We then discussed how I had let the situation drag on for days before coming to Him, feeling the stress, the sadness, and the guilt. I admitted that I had been afraid to come to Him as I had done wrong. I learned that day as well, I will beat myself up more and hurt more by hiding when I have done wrong, than to come to Him and openly admit my error and seek His judgment and discipline. His discipline has never been near as harsh as the guilt I lay upon myself. In essence, coming to Him takes the guilt from me and allows me to start over with a clean slate, not to mention allows Him to help me get back on track.
There are so many other examples I could give on this. But the point I am trying to make is that people come to our group in so many different stages of self discovery, with so many different variances in their past which can affect their mindsets. We cannot fairly label them as one thing or another, question their sincerity, nor should we be less than tolerant and helpful. Not everyone has had the opportunity that I did to know of, or have been under a Mentor who can see and bring out their inner self. Some have jumped into a bad relationship and had bad experiences. Some have no idea yet what it is they are seeking, or the extent of servitude, responsibility, freedom, and reward that being a submissive or slave can hold. They come to our group with questions. They come in sincerity, confusion, and often fear.
As a group who believes in honesty, trust, communication, and respect, let us remember that we were not always where we are at now. What we may now see as silly may be very important to someone new; what we may see as a disrespectful act or statement may be one of fear, confusion, or lack of guidance.
I am happy to say that many, many years later, my Mentor now owns me and is Master. Now, things are not as relaxed, and He is not as readily forgiving. He expects of me what He knows I have already learned. In humbleness, I am ready and eager to please Him for all He has done for me. I accept my slavery to Him with pride and sheer joy, because of who I am inside and my need to be that person. But it all started with a young woman (me) who because of her past, never wanted to be a slave, was not about to take orders, and would not bend a knee to any one… and yet, she had this need that kept tugging at her. She was a submissive in her heart and soul, and eventually she grew into a slave.
It is my sincere hope that as a group, we can accept people to our threads that come from all stages in their discovery and learning. I hope we can offer those newer some opinions and help them to learn in a safe and non-ridiculing environment. And lastly, I hope that those still searching are able to find a M/s relationship where they can experience the fulfillment, freedom, security, and and happiness that before they only had dreamed of.